Good-bye, Grandma
I hadn't really expected to be blogging about what I was doing last Friday. Some events are really just about family, and, while important, not something I choose to talk about. If you've come looking for knitting, this post will be decidedly light on that subject.
Early this week I found out that my grandmother on my mother's side had passed away. If she had lived another month, she would have been 85 years old. To say that I have mixed feelings about my grandmother is an understatement. I have not seen her in many years, she did not come to my wedding, in spite of my mother's best attempts. She was not an easy person to be with or to love. She had a tendency to push people away, and, probably not to my credit, I kept my distance. I do believe that people make their own decisions about what they want their lives to be about. Hers did not always encourage her family to gather around her.
But to be fair, not all in her life was easy. She was born in 1920 and grew up in the Great Depression. She married her first husband in the early 40's, just before the US entered the war, I think. My mother was born in 1943. His plane was shot down over the English Channel (I think some time in 1944, but I don't know the exact date). He did not come home. She married again and had my uncle 8 years after my mom, and then my aunt 2 years later. Her second husband died before my mother was married to my dad in 1964. She spent much of her life as a single mother working as a housekeeper, which can't have been an easy thing to do at the time.
My grandmother wasn't an easy person to get to know. To be honest, I couldn't tell you much about her that would help me give you a good picture of her. She loved her garden, enjoyed reading Ann McCaffery, and watching basketball. She was a diabetic and she probably smoked too much. She was frugal and kept her home neat. When I was little, there were always cookies in the cookie jar on her counter, and a set of well-used Lincoln Logs to play with and some ancient Archie comic books in the bottom drawer of her desk. When I got older, I can remember her going through an old trunk, showing me the Purple Heart and the Medal of Honor that had been awarded to my mother's father.
As I got older, the distance grew. I won't explain the reasons here, but just as she wasn't an easy person to know, she wasn't an easy person to like.
Recently, she moved from her home to housing where she would have better access to medical attention and she had to pare down much of what she had carried with her through life, and make decisions about what had enough value to her to take with her. My mother and her brother and sister went through her belongings before my brother and I arrived on Friday for the funeral. My mother gave me these:
I had never known she did any needlework, she'd always complained of bad arthritis even when I was little. Yet these hooks and needles were important enough to her to keep, even when she cast many other things aside. They must have meant something to her. In spite of what I had thought, she and I did have something in common.
I wonder now if she and I might have had something to talk about. What if I had gone up to Northern Michigan with my parents and pulled out a knitting project? Or knit her a scarf for Christmas? Would it have made a connection? Given me a chance to see her in a different, more sympathetic light? No doubt, it wouldn't have changed everything. I guess I'll never know the answer now.
Goodbye, Grandma. May the next world or your next life treat you better than this one did. And if we should ever meet again, hopefully I'll have remembered to bring my knitting.
That's a beautiful essay about your grandmother. Thank you for writing it down for us.
Please accept my condolences.
Don't be harsh on yourself.Some people construct their own prison,for whatever reason.If you push people away they eventually stay away.
You found a connection.It will soften your memories of her.
Don't blame yourself for anything! My mother was also born in 1920, but she married at 14 to escape her (probably molesting) stepfather. After having 5 kids, she was widowed, and found out she was having #6. Plus she was way too proud to ever go on wellfair or public assistance--I think the best she got was some survivor's stuff from Social Security. So your grandmother isn't the only one that had a rough life. She chose to deal with it in her way and my mother chose to deal with it in a different day--mom quilted. And everyone in the family knew it, because everyone in the family got at least one quilt--I have 4, 2 hand quilted, and 2 tied. And you couldn't pay me enough for them.
May God bless you.
So sorry to hear about your grandmother.
You know, that was positively a beautiful and honest eulogy. Not every person is the wonderful person we wish they would be, and it sounds like she was the product of both her hard life and the times in which she grew up -- and who knows what else. What you shouldn't do is beat yourself up for not loving her as much as you would have liked. You were the grandchild, you were pretty much helpless in the situation. Condolences.
That was a lovely essay about your grandmother. Don't beat yourself up with "what if"s -- some people teach us more in death than they do in life. I hope that you find peace and comfort in your memories of her.
it wouldn't 'have been' a connection. it IS a connection to savor even now; thank you for sharing it with us. sorry for your loss.
corine
I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing. Your words about your relationship with her echo my own relationship with my brother. He's had major, major health issues in the past 3 years and I also wonder what can be done to bridge the gap in our relationship. Thank you so much for verbalizing what I feel.
I feel hope in these sad lines, and it does reinforce the feelings i have had about some persons. Thanks for sharing, dear Theresa, and all my condoleances for your loss.
I'm deeply sorry to hear about your grandmother. Even though it must have been difficult for you, I enjoyed reading about her life.
Theresa, my sympathy is with you now. I know what it's like to have mixed feelings about someone, and then to feel guilty about it after they pass away. The same thing happened with my grandmother this last November. Having an honest perspective on who someone was to you is really reasonable, I've decided. Take care.
My condolences...you and your family are in my thoughts.
You brought tears to my eyes ... Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Theresa.
I loved Emma's comment and I think it's very true. You've found a way to connect to her, even though she's gone. Treasure that.
sorry for your lost. It's oftern harder to lose family when the relationship wasn't as strong. I felt the same way when my grandfather passed away... sadness tinged with guilt that I didn't try harder to connect. It takes more than one person to build the relationship. please accept my condolences....
I had a similar crafting 'epiphany' about my maternal grandmother (and great grandmother) late in their lives, too, and wishing I had known about it earlier.
Sympathies to yourself and your family over your loss; I know what it's like, even if you're not close, due to personality, to the person.
What Norma said. Sometimes life just doesn't fit into neat cubbyholes, does it.
My sympathies..no matter how much we think we know someone..there's always "just a little more". Make sure she's not forgotten..like she showed you the medal-show her needles to your children someday. Tell her story.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your grandma with us. My own dear Grandma Fran passed away in November. I was a very fortunate granddaughter indeed since I was lucky enough to have a grandmother who passed her love of knitting on to me. It was just one of the many things I learned from this gentle, loving woman. I have found myself thinking about her often in these last couple of months and wishing I could have thanked her for that before she died. It seems like regrets all around. Take solace in your understanding and appreciation of your Grandma. You have given us a very eloquent insight.
I am sorry for your loss. A connection has been made Theresa. And it is lovely for you to have some of your Grandma's needles. I have some of mine and although they are old metal needles, I feel something when I knit with them. Take care.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. My grandmother passed away a couple of months ago. The night before the funeral, my mom gave me two shoeboxes filled with Grandma's knitting stuff - I would rather have Grandma's knitting needles and stitch holders and stitch markers than anything else she owned. I feel like I'm continuing her legacy by knitting with her needles. I'm only sorry that I didn't take up knitting early enough in my life to make her something. But like you, when I see her again, I'll make sure I have my WIPs with me!
i just happened to find your blog and read this today. what a wonderful, introspective remembrance for your grandma.
Theresa, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother as well. Try to focus on the good things about her and don't dwell on the bad--and use any regrets you have over not fully connecting with her to shape how you manage the other relationships in your life.
Comforting thoughts to you and your family. It is never easy to loose a family member no matter how close or distant you were.
I have found knitting has brough me much closer to my maternal grandmother. She is very thrilled to get an envelope filled with pics of my latest knitted projects and usually calls me up and ask questions. And, the last time I was home she gave me a ton of her needles and such, many of which were my great grandmothers. They will always be special to me. Enjoy the needles and hooks you got and be comforted that she is now watching over your needlecrafts!
Relationships are such difficult things. Sounds like you have reasonable perspective.
I'm very sorry for your loss. You and your family
are in my thoughts.
Dear Theresa
I had a very simular, distanced grand-mother born in 1921! Don't blame your self for not had made a try - you didn't know then...........!!
Hugs
eve