What I Wasn't Going to Write About
I was planning on writing about my progress on the Pearl Buck Swing Jacket or on my Dragon Scale socks. But as Isat down at the computer, I realized that I wasn't really feeling like talking about sweaters or socks or spinning or anything else fibery. What I've been thinking about all day is a cat with a serious problem and what we're going to do to deal about it.
I'd like to say thank you in the warmest possible way to everyone who left good wishes for Sydney. He can't really appreciate them, but I do. It is the nicest feeling there is to have a troubling situation and to have people that I have only talked to through email or met through their blog journaling taking the time to leave me a comment. Whenever I get down about unpleasant people, I try to think about the great vibes that I get from people who read my blog and it reminds me that there are going to be some people that suck, but there are many more good people out there.
The rest of this post is not going to be very happy, and will include no knitting. So you might want to click away now if either of these things seems offputting.
Unfortunately, all the good wishes in the world are not going to do much for Sydney. On Saturday morning we noticed he was weak, and not using his litter box when he had to urinate. So John found a vet that was open on Saturday afternoon (more of a challenge than you'd think!). The vet didn't have a very positive outlook on Syd's likely prognosis, but he drew some blood and did a blood work up. We got the results yesterday and the not very positive outlook became a pretty much negative outlook. And like most pet owners, we didn't really want to believe that things could be so bad for our cat. He's only 11 years old and his littermate is completely healthy.
So we had the results faxed to our "regular" vet and set up an appointment for all three cats this morning (we figured if we were going to take one in, we'd take them all, especially since the first vet had raised the specter of FIP). We enjoyed talking to the second vet better, but the prognosis was pretty much the same. Syd's kidney's are failing. In fact, his creatine levels are so high, he probably has lost more than 75% of his kidney function. Not only that, but his phosphorus levels are high (not good for the blood and also a bad prognosis indicator) and he's pretty anemic. Which means that his kidneys also aren't making the erythropoeitin (if you've heard of the drug "epogen" it's the same thing) that they need to to stimulate his bone marrow to make more red blood cells. Another very bad sign Especially when coupled with the fact that he is eating and drinking very little and spends most of his day curled up in a basket in the hallway just shutting out the world.
The options for treatment are limited. We could have left him with the vet to keep him on IV fluids for a couple of days to see if things got better. But that would mean that he would be all alone. When he came home, it would also mean that we would have to do daily sub-cutaneous fluid administration. To deal with the phosphorus, we would have to add a phosphorus binder to his food. And if his red blood cell count didn't go up, then we would also have the option of getting him treated with epogen. All this, and it's still likely that the time he would have left would be measured in weeks. And Syd has never been very good about treatments of any kind, unless he's sick. So giving him IV fluids everyday would probably be miserable for him and for John and I. If he was feeling good, we'd practically have to sit on him everyday for the rest of his life to do it. If he was feeling bad, then we'd just be prolonging his life in pretty miserable state.
The reality is, there are no good options. We can go through a lot of costly and low quality of life treatments to sustain his life for maybe a couple more weeks to months. Or we can let him fade until he simply isn't eating anything anymore and then take him in to be euthanized. Or we can do some portion of the possible treatments. There's no right answer and there's no clear path.
He's clearly not acting like himself, our other two cats almost act like he is not here anymore. This is particularly disturbing when you know that he and Mercutio are usually almost inseparable. But now Mercutio has abandoned him. It feels so tragic and sad. John and I both believe that you extend life when you know that there can be a good quality to that life. But how to judge what that is? I being a breathing lump in a basket represent good life quality if he is not in pain? It's certainly not good for his human companions.
In the end, we opted to have the vet give him some sub-cu fluids (the first vet did this on Saturday as well) so that we could see if that would help him perk up. He was remarkably active and aware while we were at the vet and we weren't really ready to make any more dramatic decisions. I guess neither of us wanted him to be in a small cage in an animal hospital for two days, sick and in unfamiliar surroundings. I think that means that John and I have come to terms with the fact that no amount of wishful thinking will make this small furry person better. But we still haven't really come to terms with the ultimate decision to be made. How much is too much? How much is not enough? When should a good life end with a good death?
Perhaps I will spin for a while and meditate a bit.
*HUG*
More virtual hugs from over here in Vancouver.
I'm so sorry about your little guy. I'm a vet, and this is one of the hardest things I had to discuss with owners. For some cats, the SQ fluids keep them feeling good for a while because the fluids help flush out the system and decrease the dehydration (think major hangover). Unfortunately, with Sydney's lab values, I don't think this will help for long. The best you can do for him is spoil him rotten until it's time to give him a peaceful farewell. I think you will know when it's time.
These are the times when I remember to give my (furry purry) girls an extra hug and kiss.
Good luck. I hope you get to spend some quality time with your little boy.
((((((Hugs))))))) to you and Syd and John. This is such a difficult decision. I agree with JJ...you'll know when it's time to say good-bye. Until then...we're here to listen (or read as the case may be) any time you need to vent.
I'm so sorry to hear about Sydney :-(
It is always very hard to know when it is time to let go but somehow you just know when they have had enough. we went through this with our elderly dog last year. In the end you just have to do what's best for the animal. Hugs
Perhaps the hardest part of being loved by cats is our duty to them at the close of life. Hang in there.
My neighbour had the same decisions to make at the end of last year, and it's not an easy one. Thinking of you all.
I've had to make this decision twice and it's hard. I feel so bad for you and Sydney. You will know when it's time. Your heart will tell you to remember the good memories and when it's time to let him go in peace. I'll be thinking of you.
I am a firm believer that we owe it to our pets to make the right decision for them. As painful as it is, it is up to us to decide when it's right to let them die peacefully. When Izzy got ill, I had her euthanised rather than prolong her life because I knew the quality of that life would be sadly diminished. It's heart-wrenching and painful and it sucks, doesn't it? Please feel free to e me if you want to talk!
My hearts go out to your family and your poor kitty. We had to make a similar descion a few years ago when out carin terrier's spine started deteriorating very sudddenly and swiftly. It was a hard choice, but the right one. Be strong.
I'm so sorry about Sydney. Our Chutney has some renal problems that are greatly helped by regular SubQ treatments. It took a while to figure out how to do it with a minimum of fuss, but now she purrs while we do.
Good luck!
It's pretty amazing how a few pounds of flesh and fur can affect our lives so deeply.
I'm so sorry - this is such a hard thing to go through. Trust yourselves sweetie. You'll know when it's time.
I'm so sorry for you and Sydney.
I went through this with one of mine. I believe he told me when he was ready. Spoil him. Love him. And listen.
I'm truly sorry. I'm a constant reader but lurker until now. Hang in there, The right decisions are sometimes the hardest to make, but I know that if Sydney is like most cats, he knows that you are out to take good care of him, and that you're doing your best.
I'm so sorry. This kind of thing just sucks.
*giant hug*
It's always difficult to face a beloved pet's mortality and the first is always the worst. Most of us let the first pet we have to make the decision for linger longer than we should have. The wonderful 20/20 hindsight allows you to make future decisions at a much more appropriate time.
That said, if you LISTEN he'll let you know.
Sit quietly with him in your lap and ask him if he wants to go. Tell him you understand if leaving is in his best interest and reassure him that you'll be ok after he's gone.
Do his eyes have the same old sparkle? Does he wake up happy to live that cat life of his?
Animals often act as caretakers of our happiness and put us and our emotions before their own needs. Sometimes they linger because they feel we aren't ready to let them go. Often giving them permission to leave releases them and they go naturally.
This is always painful. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Hopefully the thoughts and prayers will make this less hard for all of you.
Sydney will let you know. My heartfelt sympathies to you.
Hugs to you and your family members, furry and otherwise. You will know the right thing to do when the time comes. Thank you for sharing your story with us, as it seems like many people have struggled with similar decisions. While there is no right or wrong answer, I hope it helps you to know that others are thinking of you, and wish you the best.
I am so sorry you have to face this situation. Having been there several times, I can now look back and think more calmly. In some cases I did keep my pets here too long and I did it for me, not for them. Although it is very difficult, you need to decide are you keeping him here for your comfort or his? My thoughts are with you in this difficult time ..... your heart will indeed tell you when.
I have been through something similar with a beautiful 4 year old cat named Athena who I was crazy about and had kidney cancer. It all happened very suddenly and I was devastated. I agree with many of the comments above...listen hard to that furry creature..as objectively as possible.
I held Athena and talked to her as she went to sleep, couldn't let it happen with a stranger. I've never regretted it.
Oh Theresa, I am so sorry about Sydney. I've seen some kitties thrive on the Subcutanious fluid treatments so I really hope that option helps Sydney a lot. I can relate to your situation quite well. I had to make the final decision for my Hobbes in September. His litter mate has adjusted well to my surprise.
Nancy is right though. Hobbes told me it was time through his behaviors at the end. His active desire to separate himself from the other cats, the lack luster coat, his sad looks and lack of purring anymore and yes, litter box issues. When I put him in the crate, rather than his normal struggles and yowling he laid there peacefully. And at the end, when I said goodbye, he purred and head butted me which he hadn't done in weeks. It's never an easy decision to make and I am wishing peace and wisdom for you and John to get through this time.
My love to all of your furry little ones and to you too. Virtual hugs and a shoulder sent to you today.
Trust your heart and listen to Sydney, Theresa.
I'll be thinking of you and yours.
Ohhh...*hugs*.
I understand your anguish, but firmly believe you will do the right thing by your Sydney because you love him.
I'm dealing with some of the same issues right now, so when I say I feel your pain, I really do. I am also acting on the same advice that I offer you: make him comfortable, feed him his favorite food, hug him as much as he can stand and give him his dignity above all else.
We went thru a similar situation with our beloved lab a few years ago. Even with treatment, her condition deteriorated before our eyes and the vet gave little hope for improvement or recovery. We spoiled her until she let us know it was time to let her go peacefully. My son put her collar on a favorite stuffed animal and her photo is with the other family shots. My heart goes out to you and John at this difficult time.
I think you'll know when the right time is.
This really sucks.
Oh Theresa, I am so sorry for your trial. I am in tears writing this because I too have cats that are people in my heart. You will both know when it is time to say goodbye to Syd and I count it a lucky thing for the rest of us that you will mourn him. it is the risk that all loving and caring people take every day- to open our hearts to someone that will eventually be taken from us. I wish your family a peaceful and merciful future.
I hope that writing about it, and meditating on it, will help bring you to a peaceful place in this difficult decision. Hugs to Sydney.
My furry people and I are thinking about you and yours. I've made decisions similar to yours twice in my life for my kitties and both times it was harder than anyone who hasn't done it could imagine. You'll do the right thing, whatever it is you do.
I'm so sorry to hear about Sydney. I've been there with our cats and ferrets so I know how difficult those decisions can be. My vet always assured me that I would know when it was time, and I did.
Hugs to you, John, and Sydney from another Sydney.
I feel so sorry for you, so big (((((hugs)))) from Finland. I have had animals all my life, and I know how hard this decision is to make. My dog did also have kidney failure, from having been on heart medicine for a longish time. Take care.
you are doing the right thing. keep his with you, where he has the greatest chance of peace. I left my first kitty at the vet overnight for what appeared to be a rather benign symptom and she died there - I have never fogiven myself for not letting her die in my arms.
You WILL know when the time is right - they tell you, those dear ones. Enjoy the time you have left.
As I write, I am in tears. Having gone through this situation twice in the past with two very dear kitties, and now facing a similar situation with my rapidly-deteriorating 13-year-old German Shepherd, I completely understand your pain and sadness. I will be holding you in my thoughts.
Theresa - my heart breaks for you........and I really do know how you feel. All I can tell you, is what my vet told me when one of our dachshunds was very sick with heart disease a few years ago. We treated him medically with medications, which worked for a while. But we knew that eventually, his little heart would not be able to take the strain of his bad valve. My vet told me that he, Oscar the dachshund, would tell me when it was time to let him go. And he did. I knew exactly when to take him to be euthanized. And although it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I stayed with him, talking and holding him, while they gave him the shot. I got to see how peacefully he went. I hope that gives you some comfort - just look to Sydney. You'll know. ***hugs*****
I'm so sorry. There are no good answers, there are no words. There is just the feeling of a kindred spirit out here, thinking about her own cat and your cat and how heartbroken you must be.
Oh, T, this is so hard. I'm sorry to read that you are losing Sydney, and it's always tough to decide when it's time to let go. I'm glad that you are considering his quality of life as well as his health; there's no good way to explain to the cat, sometimes, what they need to do. We're thinking of you over here.
I am so very sorry. My kitties send your kitty and you their love.
Teresa, I am so very sorry. This is such a difficult time for all of you. Listen to your heart. Listen to Sydney. You'll know what to do and when to do it.
Thinking of you ....
I have "sister cats", and one has failing kidneys. She sleeps twice as much, eats less, drinks more. This means she spends most of her time drinking and sleeping. She has had to go in for subQ fluids, and they really make her feel and act better. My mind knows what will inevitably happen, but my heart doesn't.
Try phosphorous binders and see what happens. If there comes a time that subQ are needed everyday, I have already planned that this is the time I will let her go. You are right-quality of life for her is more important than my heart
I am so sorry! I've been there too, and it's just hard, no matter what you decide.
Hugs from here, too. I'm so sorry to hear about Sydney! Just give him as much love as you can . . .
The right time usually announces itself, though that doesn't make it any easier to make the decision. My oldest had two years of insulin shots, which was worth the two good years it gave him, but when his thyroid went, we knew that the only thing to do was snuggle him for the remaining time and then say goodbye, because the vet gave us his remaining time in terms of weeks, and not very good ones at that. One of the hardest things I've had to do. All good wishes for peace and strength through this difficult time, for all of you.
*hugs*
Love and sympathay to you and yours.
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry.
Me and my pointy eared friends send strength, courage, and love to you and John, and most of all, Syd.
I'm so sorry to hear Sydney isn't feeling well. My best friend had an older cat that she was doing sub-cutaneous fluids for months before she had to put him down. Apparently it isn't that hard to do and he was doing great until the last few days.
Big hugs I know it's so hard to have a sick baby.
I am so sorry to read this about your cat. I went through the exact same diagnosis with a cat I had for 16 years. However, she survived for several months with sub-cu fluid treatments at home. We were very careful to make sure that she was having "enough" quality of life, whatever that means. When she wasn't anymore, we could tell, and we took that long trip to the vet. We were glad that we could spend a little more time with her, and she really didn't seem to mind the injections at all. (If she had, that obviously would have affected our decision, too.) Enjoy each day with him (and your other cats, for that matter) while you can. They just can't live as long as we do, so the parting is inevitable. :-(
Y'all are bringing tears to my eyes with almost every comment I read. Thank you so much to everyone.
All I can offer are hugs and hopes that things get better. No matter what, Syd will know he's loved (even though he can't really know that but you know what I mean).
PS I can't read any more of the comments because it's making ME cry and I don't even have a cat!
So, so, so sorry, Theresa.... As so many have said, Sydney will let you know when it's time. When my 13 yo cat Aggie developed an inoperable tumor on her jaw (removing in would have meant removing half of her jaw), she got to the point where she was barely even drinking - she hadn't been able to eat solid food for several weeks at that time. I decided it was "time," and made an appointment with the vet for the next morning. However, when I went to take her, I couldn't find her! I looked in all the normal hiding places, and of course feared the worst. I called the vet and canceled the appointment, and about an hour later, she came strolling, very slowly, into the living room. I have no idea where she was, but I felt like she was telling me it wasn't time yet. I waited another 10 days. Even then, it was a really, really hard decision, but there was really no life left in her by then - she just slept. If I picked her up, she would wake up, purr a bit, then go back to sleep.
Oh, my - now I'm sitting here at work crying... my thoughts are with you and John and Sydney. You'll make the right decisions.
(((HUGS))) to all of you. I know what you are going through is tough. We lost our 8 year old cat Loki this past fall due to a horrible bladder blockage. We too had to weigh the pros and cons of treatment. In the end, we let him go, with my husband with him till the end. I know the pain you are feeling right now, and hope all goes well for everyone.
*hugs* to Syndey... and Sydney's family.
*sniff*
*hug*
My experience with my first Lab (when she was 13 yrs), is that when the time is right, you will know it. It will still hurt, but you will be at peace with it and it will be the right thing to do for all.
Sorry to read your news.
It is a hard decision,but also an easy one. To avoid suffering for animal you love is an act of love.
xxx
The truly down side of loving -- anyone. Sydney has had a wonderful life with you and his siblings; try to celebrate that as you mourn his pending loss. He'll tell you when and he'll understand. We should treat our human loves as well. Lots of love through my tears.
I am terribly, terribly sorry. I've been through this experience more than once, and it never gets easier. There's no way to make it a better "fact of life." I think the day I put my cat Oscar down was the most emotionally painful day in my life. Reading about your experience is bringing the tears back to my eyes. I'm glad you have your husband there to help you through this, and to grieve with you. It is also very lonely to grieve for an animal. In the end, though there's no way to make the actual experience less sad and difficult, I think it's healing to know that other people care deeply and grieve for the loss of their animals too.
It is so difficult to know what to do with our beloved furry-footed companions when they become so ill. We had an 11yo cat who developed the same sort of kidney problems, although we found it at an earlier stage. We changed her food, which meant shutting her up at mealtimes and taking all food up during most of the day. We gave her meds as prescribed, but she only had 6 months of reprieve. We never considered the liquid injections, since DH was the only one who could manage her panic at the vets'.
I know how difficult your decision is to make. Sydney is ready to move on, and is staying with you from love. Let him go soon. I weep with you, in memory of all my absent kitties.
I went through a similarly scary experience with my then-three year old cat last year, which included an emergency visit to the vets late on a Sunday night (thank goodness my vet is a 24/7 hospital shop!), two days of hospitalization and exploratory surgery.
He did come out okay (partially blocked urinary tract), but ever since then, I occasionally remind myself that, one day, I am going to likely have to face the death of both of my cats, and that in and of itself is enough to make me want to cuddle them fiercely and cry.
I don't envy you your decision, but I know that whatever you decide, it will be the right choice for you and for Sydney.
I'll go home and give both my cats a scritch and think about sending it virtually in Syd's direction.
Been there, done that. I had to give up on my three year old companion. I still miss him and it's been 22 years. You will know the right time.
I'm so sorry. Our cats, in many ways, our like kids to us. And, for many years, they were our only kids. I've had to make these kinds of decisions in the past and it is always so hard. My thoughts, prayers and hugs go out to you and your little guy.
I so sorry to hear about your kitty. These sorts of decisions are made doubly difficult because we can't really explain ourselves to our furry family members. I know that there is really nothing I can say that will make any of this better. Whatever decision you make it will be hard, but it will be the right decision, trust in your judgement.
Big Hugs.
I can not offer anything but empathy, but I have that in spades.
Our 12 yo Daisy (a tomcat: we didn't know he was a boy till we took him in to get spayed...and since he already knew his name...well...it stuck.) developed diabetes 18 mos ago, and for an entire year we gave him 2xday insulin shots subcutaneously. This summer his seizures returned, he stopped using the litterbox, laid around all day, and seemed just spaced out. We watched one more seizure in the kitchen, and DH and I cried together. We felt "our Daisy" had left months before. We made the hard decision to let him go.
It is the hardest decision to make, and no matter what you decide, it will be right for you.
I am so sorry.
Sydney will tell you when it's time. There will come a point when he is no longer happy with life. When it gives him no visible pleasure to be alive. When all he's doing is waiting helplessly for "the end" to come.
As pet owners, the final kindness we can offer our pets is to bring death when our pet is ready for it, so that they don't have to suffer needlessly while waiting for death to arrive on its own.
We want to do everything in our power to NOT let them go. But this is a selfish impulse. It's sooo hard, but if you set aside your own feelings, Sydney's feelings will be clear. And his feelings are the ones that you have to respect.
It's the hardest thing in the world, but you're not alone. We've all been there.
Damn, now I'm crying at work. And I didn't even read the other comments!
... So I'm sitting here sniffling at my desk, soooo pathetic, and wouldn't you know it, one of my coworkers walks by. He was not in the least bit fooled by my attempt to pass it off as a strange little allergy attack.
Anyway, I explained why I was weepy, and he about started crying, too. So, for what it's worth, a stranger-once-removed wishes you the best, too. :)
We had to make this decision for our dear dog last year, and it was so hard, I'm sorry you are there now. I do find myself thinking that we did the best we could do for her, and I think she knew it. Why don't they live as long as we can?
I really feel for you. Making these health decisions for little loved ones who can't tell you how they feel is so, so hard. Best wishes for you and for Sydney. I hope the spinning and knitting help you meditate.
Yuck. I don't envy you guys in your hard decisions and the little guy in his situaton either.
My .02: I'm undergrad to become a vet, and shadow at a very busy vet office. I vote yes on the subQ fluids, both for him and for you guys. Most cats tolerate it quite well and it's essentially mandatory cuddling for 30-60min (depending on ammt of fluids, but max from an IV bag is generally 45min... if you drip him slowly because he gets cold 60min isn't terrible for another 2w of goodbye time for you guys and for him.
Deciding to skip the rest of it... the decision is up to you guys and your vet... and I've seen cats go either way. I just wanted to vote for the subQ fluids because I've seen it make a pretty drastic difference for _serious_ cats with little effort (or cost). Besides, it's done at home (which I think is better).
::hugs:: to everyone, particularly you and your husband and Syd. I don't envy you your decisions - they're heartwrenching to make. Give yourselves time and space to make the choices best for you.
I'll be thinking of you guys and hoping for the best.
I'll be praying for you n your cat..
oh theresa, i'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
I'm sending good wishes for your family and for Sydney.
hy
I really know how you are feeling! I know it's a horrible situation, to have to decide, when is the right moment!
Husband and I where in the same situation 2 years ago. And you will feel, when it's time to say goodbye and let him go, without to much pain!
We had also 3 cats - and Woody (11 years aswell) felt ill by FIP! There came also a moment when Wendy (his best friend) started to ignore and then spit when she saw him......! I think, she smelt the illness and just couldn't recognize him anymore!
the good thing is, the 2 other cats still are healthy and I don't think that they will ever get FIP!
I hope you find the power to escort him on his last path on earth!
Hugs to you, your husband and your cats - they will also miss him a lot!
eve
I'm so sorry about Sydney. Some cats tolerate the various treatments and meds, some don't; you know him and how he's likely to react. I'm a vet and have had to deal with choices like this with my own pets -- my cat Cecily does fine hospitalized, making biscuits on the treatment table, plopping for belly rubs (even when near death); my cat Tonka would refuse to eat, urinate, etc until he got home and at home would run away from me if it was time for his pills.
Subcutaneous fluids can help a lot, and I would recommend trying once or twice before deciding not to do them at all. It doesn't have to take 45-60 min, either; you can usually get 100 mls SQ in 10min or so. The EPO injections are a very tiny volume and can be done at home and can help for a time. I would say these are probably less stressful things to do than oral meds.
I had to put Tonka to sleep this summer -- he had chronic illnesses and ultimately cancer -- I still miss him and cry about him. But I could tell it was time -- he'd lost interest in his surroundings, you could just tell by the look in his eyes that he didn't feel good.
Syd will tell you, too.
((((hugs))))
Much belated comment, but I have a cat who was dx'd with CRF (chronic renal failure) on 2/14/03. She was in bad shape then - but now, 3+ years later, she's stable and still enjoying life. We do sub-Q fluids 3x/week, and that keeps her going. She has renal-diet dry food, but I let her eat whatever canned food she wants. (Kind of silly to starve if she doesn't like the prescription diet...) Aja was 15 when dx'd, and she'll be 19 on 3/21/06.
So far, no pills, though when she gets her blood work done every 6 months, she gets a vitamin-B shot that perks her up.
I have a list of quality-of-life things that will tell me when it's her time to go... when she can't jump on the bed and sleep next to my pillow, when she stops wanting her treats, when she's in pain. I've had time to come to terms with her illness, but it took me a while. Give Sydney a chance with the fluids - it's really not that bad to do. And if he has chronic rather than acute failure, he might bounce back more than you think.
For tips, like why some folks only use Terumo needles or to see the best online places to order fluids and supplies (I use Brico), there's a CRF Yahoo! group that's very helpful.