The Backstory to the Baby, Part 2
I'll preface today's entry by letting everyone know that there is some content that might make you uncomfortable, depending on who you are and what your sensibilities are. There's nothing vulgar, x-rated or crude, but I'm going to talk a bit about birth control, some medical procedures that I dealt with and my general state of mind during all this stuff, and I didn't want to surprise anyone.
I'm not going to spend any time hear talking about how I met John -- I've talked about it before, and while it's a story that I always love to tell, it's not really relevant to this one. We met in 1996 and got married in 1998, just before I turned 30.
At that time, both of us were very career focused. John was working on cutting edge technology projects in networking industry and I was finishing up my post-doc. There wasn't really time to think about having a child. And I just wanted time to enjoy being a pair. My parents had waited 5 years after getting married to have me and I always loved that they seemed to have a relationship that went beyond just being parents which made them wonderful parents and people. I wanted the same kind of thing for John and I.
After that, I went back to school to add the computational component to my training and John launched into a new job working hours that went beyond even what I put in as a grad student. Still not time. I wasn't ready and it seemed to me like he needed the chance to really put all his energy into his career without feeling guilty about having a family at home that he wasn't paying enough attention to. And this was the tail end of the dot com era and John was at a tech company -- we had hopes that his labors would pay off in the form of incredible stock option payouts.
Meanwhile, in early 2001, I got a "real job" and we bought our house. Within about 6 months my job became unstable and for the next couple of years we dealt with concerns about unstable startup companies -- on both sides. It still seemed like a bad time, I still had time.
By now what you are beginning to see is that I was really good at finding reasons to avoid the whole "starting a family thing". John always jokes with me that every guy suffers for all the sins of every other guy that his wife/girlfriend/significant other has ever dated, and to some extent that was the case with me. I had a hard time wrapping my brain around why anyone would want to give up their freedom to have a family. And I also felt, in some weird, twisted place, that having a family was giving into the ex all over again. Somehow I would stop being myself and wouldn't be valued for me any more. I would just be somebody's mom.* And I was completely freaked out by how it might change my body. And the issue of labor? Well, that was beyond really what I could think about.
We actually talked a lot about the issue of starting a family... we were watching our friends kids get older and I had started to notice that my clock was ticking. One way or another we needed to make a decision. I needed to make a decision. And for a while I just couldn't. I was scared of all the physical and emotional potential on either side. John, in his own thoughtful and understanding way, felt either option was reasonable.
And then I had one of those cathartic moments when I looked at John and I just thought it would be the saddest thing ever if I never got to see John holding a child of his own. Here I had a guy who I loved more than anything and who I just knew would be a fabulous father and would never see me as just a walking womb. Here was a guy who really would be an equal partner in the process. He was supposed to have children. And the decision was made.
But that didn't make it easy for me to stop taking my birth control pills. It was summer 2004 and I think that was one of the harder things I've ever done... quitting that ritual of cycle regulation. We didn't start trying right away... I wanted to have a couple of "protected" cycles while my body normalized after 16 years of chemical regulation. I think this was really just the whole fear thing coming back a little bit and it was a small way for me to hold onto some control in something that I knew inherently that I couldn't control once it all started rolling.
Needless to say, I was surprised when I didn't get instantaneously pregnant the minute there was nothing to prevent the whole baby-initiating process to occur. It was kind of funny to me for a while... all the time I spent trying to stay un-pregnant and even without any barrier, it didn't seem to be happening. Granted, we weren't "trying" in a focused way. And it was an incredibly stressful year at work, which didn't make things any better. But I just couldn't focus on it that way. I needed it to sort of sneak up on me and happen almost by accident.
So you might find it funny to think that when we discovered we were pregnant at the beginning of November, 2005, I was actually pretty calm about it. Not only calm, but at peace with everything and pretty happy about it. Well, I wasn't happy with the three weeks of miserable morning sickness that I had, but everything else was pretty good. That is, until I had some cramping and bleeding at 10 weeks.
That shattered my calm for the 8 hours before I could get into my doctor's office. But everything came back into focus when the ultrasound showed that I was still pregnant and everything looked fine. False alarm. Sometimes these sorts of things just happen I was told. Oh, and by the way, did I know that I had a few fibroids? No, no, nothing to worry about, but I should be aware they were there.
Scientist that I am, I opted for some early genetic screening to make sure that things were going correctly. By 12 weeks we had a CVS screen and found out that we had a genetically healthy girl. And at my 14 week checkup, on December 22nd, everything looked good and I heard a nice strong heartbeat. We decided it was time to share with our families.
On December 25th, 2005 in the afternoon I started to have some cramping. I was uncomfortable, but I didn't think too much about it, I'd been told that sometimes that happens a bit as the uterus gets used to its new occupant. In the early evening I lost my mucus plug and a rush of fluid. My miscarriage happened shortly after that. Thank goodness my mother was around and is an incredibly strong person. I don't know what I would have done without her. I feel lucky that when everything happened, I was surrounded by my family. If anything brings into focus how important family is, this sort of thing does.
My trip to the hospital was really about stopping the bleeding. A pregnancy involves putting a lot of vascularized tissue in place, and my body was evicting all of it. With through the help of quite a few medical professionals, my family and some atavan, I got through the night, got home, went on. It's still one of the hardest things for me to think about. I felt like I had lost everything. I would just have these unexpected bouts of sobbing. John was totally there for me, but had a hard time understanding. He had just been worried about losing me. The miscarriage was followed up by a D&C a little over a week later. Which didn't really help my mindset, even if it did help me find the OB that I have now and I really like working with. When I was being prepped for the procedure, it was all I could do to keep from sobbing, even though I knew there was nothing to be upset about with the procedure. But it represented the ultimate end of my pregnancy. My daughter. And did I mention that I have a real fear of hospitals. Oh yes.
But the whole thing made me resolved to try again. I was going to have a baby. There was nothing that I had wanted that I hadn't been able to achieve. I was not going to let my body get away with rejecting the whole baby having process. My doctor recommended that we give it a month or two before we started trying again to let things "get back to normal", and it felt like an eternity. One of the few saving graces was that I could head off to one of my favorite happy places and have margaritas. In the meantime, we did a lot of testing, looking for anything obvious that could have caused my miscarriage. A lot of needles and blood later (I'm not much of a fan of needles either) we hadn't found anything out of the ordinary. Which was, of course, good. But frustrating. There was nothing to fix, nothing to change. We just had to try again.
And so we did. This time I was a bit more focused about the process. I charted my temperatures, knew the timings of things. We got pregnant for the second time right after MS&W. I figured that had to be good luck. But I was going to be wrong again. My doctor's office did blood work at 5 weeks to confirm the pregnancy. My HCG levels were a little lower than they liked, so I had another draw at 6 weeks. Worse news, my HCG levels weren't rising. A follow up ultrasound didn't give much hope. Fortunately my OB was wise enough to suggest waiting a few days before scheduling the D&E so that we could do another ultrasound just to make sure things were at an end. I miscarried naturally without any need for surgical intervention. It was a small blessing for me. And, as my doctor said, at least we had one thing going for us -- we could get pregnant. A lot of couples get stuck at that part.**
This loss was a little easier to deal with. It happened earlier and I had a good deal more warning. It was easier for me to chalk it up to a bad genetic outcome, which is usually what these early miscarriages are. And given how hard the first one had been, I'd had a harder time getting invested. I was consciously staying as reserved as I could.
Not too long after that, John had his retinal problems and I just couldn't think about our baby problems. If I'd been offered a deal of having children or ensuring John would always have his vision, it would have been an easy decision in John's favor. All that mattered was that we took care of him and his eye. By focusing on John it was easier for me not to think about the fact that my uterus seemed to be rebelling against me.
The ultrasound I had after the second miscarriage to determine if everything was clear or not tool me back to the fibroids. There was some suggestion that one of the mostly benign things was actually on the inner wall of my uterus. A sonohysterogram a bit later determined that this was, in fact, the case, and that the thing was taking up 3-4 square centimeters of perfectly good, baby -supporting uterine real-estate. My doctor talked to a reproductive endocrinologist and the verdict was that it would be a good idea to remove it.*** At the end of August, I was back in the hospital to have it removed -- it was a pretty mellow procedure as these things go. No incisions required. Most of the work was done as a D&C would be only the tool had a scope and a cutting tool that would be used to remove the growth. But I hadn't suddenly developed a love of hospitals, so this experience wasn't particularly more wonderful than the early January experience. But that's probably a story for another blog post.
Everything went fine with the surgery, and my doctor told me that I was going to have a period that went on for several weeks while things healed (fun, fun) and that I needed to wait at least two cycles before we tried again. John told me that the next time he wanted either of us to be in a hospital was when we had a baby. I couldn't have agreed with him more. And then he smiled and told me that he was sure the next time would go fine. After all, it seemed like I had to do everything three times before it worked.
Baby Z, is, in fact our third time. I consider it a sign of some kind of providence that we got pregnant on the very first try after my surgery. And it's been a very well monitored pregnancy. I've had 4 ultrasounds in 20 weeks (some as a substitute for the more invasive means of genetic screening) and a whole lot of blood work. I still spent (spend?) a lot of time convinced that something bad was going to happen, that something was going to take this one away from us, too. But so far, everything's been perfect. I was barely morning sick (more like a little dizzy for a few minutes in the morning) -- which of course had me convinced bad things were happening -- not very fatigued, and I've felt pretty good through the whole thing. Every time I've heard her heartbeat, its been a treat. Every time I feel her move, it makes me happy. It does seem like the third time is going to be the charm. Knock on wood.
I decided to tell this story because one thing I discovered after my first miscarriage is that it's just about the lonliest thing that has ever happened to me. It's not something that you can talk about easily to other people. It's a sad thing. You bring back sad memories for those who have been there, and those who haven't can't really imagine what its like.
I went back and forth a number of times about talking about it here, and finally decided that now was the time for me to share. I wanted other women out there who might read my blog and have had the same misfortune to know that they are not alone. In fact, it happens a lot more often than you might think -- some statistics suggest that as many as 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. So a lot of us have to deal with miscarriage. But not all of us get much support for the process.
Hence my post. If someone out there needs a sounding board, or to tell their story, I'd be happy to listen. I know how hard it is to see other pregnant women, and how it seems like every woman you see is pregnant. How it feels like you have lost everything when the biology doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I know how that fear of loss creeps into the next attempts and makes it so hard to believe that things are going to go your way (believe me... I'm still wrestling with that one), and the frustration with all the medicalization of the process. I've been there and I've wrestled with it myself. So to anyone who needs to talk. I'm here.
*this is not meant to be offensive to anyone out there who is a mom... being somebody's mom is a very special and important thing... this is just to help set the stage for where my headspace was.
** again, I'm not trying to make light of anyone's situation, nor was my doctor. I do feel very lucky that we don't have fertility issues that complicate the situation. And my heart goes out to those that do. When I think about what some people have to go through to have baby, it makes my ordeal seem pretty small.
*** if you talk to 10 different OB/gyn doctors, you will probably get about 10 different opinions on whether fibroids cause problems for pregnancy. It's controversial subject material. But it certainly gave me peace of mind to know the darn thing was gone... I know if I hadn't had the prorcedure and I'd had a third miscarriage, I would have always wondered if it could have been prevented by having the fibroid removed. But a lot of people don't think that a fibroid as "small" as the one I had can really have much impact. Hence the controversy.
I know it must be difficult to tell this story, but thank you so much for sharing. I hope that everything continues to go beautifully for you and your family.
I've been there. I'm three weeks away from due date on try #4. My second was very like yours. My third was horribly abnormal genetically. I was completely devastated after my first, sad after the second, and resigned after the third. It's a horrible, sad, lonely experience - even when you have the most wonderful partner in the world (and I have an absolutely fantastic one). I think he was worse off after the third one than I was. And it's so frustrating to watch other people go through perfectly normal pregnancies time after time! And then, there's the friends I have who either can't get there at all, or who had more losses than you and I put together, and I have to think I'm lucky that finally, this time it's going well! Not to mention all those people who keep asking 'Wow, aren't you guys having kids yet?' I think I permanently traumatized someone by bursting into tears when some unthinking boob asked me that. And they deserved it :P
I know there's others like us out there - and I swear, you aren't alone. There's lots of us out here. Once I started talking about it, I found out it had happened to a couple of other friends of mine too. It's just something that's intensely personal and painful and hard to talk about. It takes time, and it's real honest to goodness grief - it might not have been something anyone else saw, but to you, to me, it was a *baby*, and there's as much mourning for the loss of what could have been, as for anything else.
Theresa, I'm totally thrilled for you. Every movement is confirmation that things are going ok. Even when the baby sticks a foot in your hipbone and insists on shaking a pompom over there. And there's a nerve in your left side that if the baby kicks there, you'll toss cookies. I found that out the hard way! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It must have been very hard to deal with all of this, and I think you are very brave and generous to share it with us.
I'm getting "older", I'm 31 now, and we haven't started trying yet. I also have vaginismus, which will make it hard for me to concieve the ordinary way, since I can't have intercourse. It's comforting to hear success stories, that you get there in the end even if the path is laborious.
I'm very sorry that you had to go through all this. I hope that the rest of your pregnancy will go well, and that your baby Z will be the joy of your lives :).
Thank you for sharing your journey... as someone who's been struggling with infertility for over four years now, I agree that it's a very lonely experience. I tend to shield my friends and family from the worst of it, at my own expense. It really is important to let some of it go... I'm honored to share that part of your burden, and I am so happy that your third time's a charm! I'm rooting for you three!
I also had 2 miscarriages before I had my 2 children. My second was a blighted ovum that we didn't discover until the beginning of the 2nd trimester. I was devestated. I grieved alot after that one. We had already decided to name the baby after a friend who had recently died.
We went through all the genetic screening and everything looked normal. I think there are alot more women out there that have had miscarriages that we are generally aware of, and this makes it harder when one happens.
Now I have 2 healthy kids who are young adults. My daughter will be 22 this month and my son will be 18 in August.
Enjoy your pregnancy, and stay as fit as possible.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I had trouble conceiving my children without fertility drugs. However, I was successful, but reading your story makes me realize how lucky I am that my earlier fibroid problems were dealt with through a surgery like yours before I even tried to conceive (I had serious bleeding problems from my fibroids that made it imperative for them to be removed). I really feel for you and others who had to go through such a difficult loss like a miscarriage. Good luck to you and your husband.
Your post moved me to tears. I think you will be amazed at the comments that will be left. My stepdaugher walked a similar path and we are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of a very special baby. She is adopting. We are praying for two special mothers.
I just wanted to say how brave it was of you to share your story with us. My heart goes out to you and John for everything you went through. Here's hoping the rest of your pregnancy is smooth sailing.
Thank you for sharing your story. All the emotions involved with a miscarriage or an unstable pregnancy are so hard to talk about, let alone write down. You are a brave lady! I wish you and John luck with your little one.
I had an amino done at week 16 to rule out trisomy 18, which like most triple chomosomal syndromes carries a very high rate of miscarriage (~75%), and if the baby is even born, does not usually survive more than a year or so. My poor husband had a hard time understanding why I didn't want to talk about baby names, go shopping for baby gear or even start to clear out the Wool Room (my stash and project room) to make way for the nursery. I'm not the sort that opens up easily, and I couldn't allow myself to get too attached to someone who wouldn't be around since if the syndrome was confirmed we both agreed to terminate the prgnancy. The 2 weeks of waiting for the culture and test results were like an emotional void, although made a little more tramatic by me getting a stomach virus which put me in the hospital for a day with severe dehydration.
When I got the call that our baby was genetically safe and sound, and was going to be a little girl, I was in the grocery store. I managed to make it out of the store before completely breaking down in tears of relief and joy. I have spent every day since thanking God for our daughter and enjoying the little bit of special time she and I have together now. I'm the only one who gets to feel every one of her hiccups and little movements. She is healthy and at 37.5 weeks almost ready to come out and meet the world.
This is another amazing piece of writing; I feel privileged that you have chosen to share your story. I think that everyone has a story, and when we begin to share & listen to them, we find out that we all have much in common. I remember your heroes & handknit socks for family posts; I tell my family that handknit socks = love. May you, John, Baby Z, and your families always dwell in that love.
Congratulations!!!
Thanks for sharing your story. I miscarried 5 times, but now have 5 children. Someday you will look back at your whole path and see that it made you a different person. For me, I learned patience (sort of!!!) and I'm more compassionate. I've also learned not to sweat the small stuff. It would be pretty hard to have a day as bad as the day you miscarried. I swear, every time I miscarried, it was a holiday too! I still have tiny little holes in my heart where a little person is missing, but God has given me 5 kids with a ton of personality to fill a large part of the holes! (They're 17, 13, 12, 8, and 7.) Try to relax and enjoy the process. Life doesn't get any better than this! Oh, and the labor part...I decided that you can do anything for 1/2 day of your life. Enjoy!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Wishing you and your family all the best.
Thanks for posting this. When I had a miscarriage on my first try, I was devastated. And felt totally alone. There is no support out there for women with early miscarriages. I had only just found out I was pregnant. I cried for weeks. Then I had to go out of town, away from my DH, for a few weeks because of a previously scheduled gig. All I did was cry and want to come home.
But now I have two beautiful children, with no real complications. My second was probably a twin for a short time, but I seem to have miscarried the other. This is something no one would have known even ten years ago, just a little bleeding that stopped.
I am so happy that your pregnancy is going well this time! Being a mom is a great experience. Not always easy and certainly not without its challenges, but great. Congratulations!
Thank you so very much for sharing your story, Theresa. I feel luckier than I can believe not to have gone through anything like what you describe, and I'm constantly in awe of the strength it takes all parents to get where they are.
It's wonderful that you chose to share your story -- especially because the desire comes from a place of unity with others who've gone through the experience.
I am happy that you had such great support from your family when your first miscarriage occurred. So many people don't understand how devastating it can be.
Having experienced a loss with my first pregnancy ten years ago, I found my subsequent two (healthy) pregnancies to be less-than-blissful affairs. I liked being pregnant but was so guarded against another loss.
I am sending you warm thoughts as you grow your child.
When I finally managed to utter the words "I had a miscarriage" I found that there were an awful lot of people I worked with who had been there. You feel so alone and think that it's just you that can't manage what everyone else clearly can. Mine happened in the spring and the fields were full of huge sheep and tiny lambs and I took that personally too (I have since forgiven the sheep). I don't think that it's a thing that you ever forget but the passage of time and a successful pregnancy makes it easier to live with. It most certainly makes the 2.30am screaming sessions easier to cope with, even the crying and the stinky nappies are something to be grateful for after you've had your dream snatched away from you.
Oh Theresa, thank you for sharing with us. It is a moving story, and I am glad that you are showing the courage, strength, and compassion to reach out to other women on this subject.
I was amazed at your description of your personal perspective about considering parenthood: I am right there right now. I am finishing up a graduate degree and I am positively terrified of the possibilities. At least I know that I am not alone in that! thank you.
Thank you for posting your story -- I think sometimes that the most important thing the blogosphere can do, is help us learn more about what's really going on in people's lives.
And thank you for showing us the continuity between where you were in grad school and where you are now. Parts of my story match up with yours in odd ways (undergrad/grad transition marked by hypercontrolling boyfriend and a private research university in the midwest, joy when that was over---CHECK!), and parts veer off violently... but it's so cool to read your calm perspective on the long-term interactions between vision of career, and vision of life outside career, and the evolution of both as life goes on.
This can't have been easy to write, Theresa. But I'm glad you did. I feel like I know you better and my cheers and congratulations for this pregnancy mean a little bit more now that I know the whole story.
thank you for sharing your story, and here's to a continued healthy pregnancy. i'm excited for you - it sounds like you and your husband will be awesome, supportive, caring parents. :)
I remember your entries from that Christmas, being so struck by how your family stayed by your side during that time. Your baby will never want for affection.
I also really appreciated hearing about how much you pondered being a parent. Your posts are so personal, yet they seem to resonate for me even if I haven't been through the same kinds of things.
Thank you so much for sharing what you've been through. Best wishes for a safe and healthy pregnancy (and beyond).
Thank you for sharing Theresa. It's not easy to write about hard times in general and misscarriages especially. I whish you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your life experiences with relationships, marriage, fertility, careers...you covered a lot! I was very moved by what you had to say. I wish you and John the best in your pregnancy!!
I just wanted to say I found your story beautifully written, sad, but cautiously optimistic. I'm rooting for you and your husband and baby.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I knew the statistics re miscarriage and when I was pg with my first, I decided not to let immediate family tell anyone else until after 12 weeks. My older sister did not understand why and she often berated me for that decision. Until, that is, she got pregnant a month later and miscarried. Unfortunately, she did not feel like she could share the miscarriage news with me at the time for many reasons (although i am not a 'told you so' kinda person), and so I really felt sad for her later that she felt she could not tell me to help support her through that very rough time in her life. Thankfully for her, they went on to have two healthy kids. And i have always been very thankful I never had a miscarriage. I can imagine it is one of the most painful things to endure. (which is also why I said before that I think I took my pregnancies for granted, somewhat, because it was easy for me to get pregnant and I carried over term both times.)
My best to you. You did a good thing posting this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is interesting how our pasts shape us in ways we don't always understand till later. I am so happy for you and your husband!
It's odd, isn't it, that some of the most painful things we go through in life are the least discussed and shared, which makes us feel so very alone and isolated.
Thanks for sharing your story. I never made it to the pregnancy party, despite surgeries and drugs and lots of "trying." Turns out that was probably a good thing because I hadn't chosen particularly well in the husband department and it would have been much more difficult to leave if kids had actually happened. (My ex was sort of like your ex, only worse.)
I remember well going through each month of drug therapy and crazy mood swings and temperature taking and making love on schedule and hoping, praying this time would take, only to be disappointed again and again. And all the while, feeling very alone and very much a failure as a woman -- which intellectually, I knew wasn't true, but just the same. . .
And well-meaning friends saying things like, "Just relax and forget about it and it'll happen," or "Maybe if you adopt, you'll get pregnant. I know someone who did," didn't help. I knew they meant well, but it's like saying, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," to someone who has just lost a child. You want respond by yelling, "Then I wish I were a weaker person so this wouldn't be happening!" But you know they mean well; they're just at a loss for what to say.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. More of us need to talk about this stuff. {{Hugs}}
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it wasn't easy because I've been there myself. I had two miscarriages in between my two boys and each was devastating. And it is very hard to talk about even to this day. But it gets easier when you talk to people who have had the experience too.
I've been sending prayers and good karma your way since you shared your good news with bloglandia. Best wishes to you and your family.
Tanya
Thank you Theresa.
Your story touches me on many levels, and gives me much food for thought. Right now, I'm in the "I-want-to-get-my-career-going" phase, while my body and heart want a baby, my own baby... while I raise my two step-daughters, and my husband is gone on a boat at least a third of the year. The immediate situation is filled with anxiety, fear, confusion; it is good to read how time can straighten out the wrinkles and let us see the whole picture of "what is."
So thank you for sharing, and you *three* will be in my thoughts muchly.
Your writing is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I am 14 weeks pregnant after infertility treatments. It still feels surreal and fragile. I wish you continued health and happiness.
I just sent a good friend the link to your last posts. She is 1/2 way through a really rough round of IUI and on her way to IVF... she's been so down and hearing all the horror stories... yours lifted her up. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to seeing this wonder-baby ... any child of a scientist will not only be a genius, but great looking too... Did I mention I am a biochemist?? LOL...
I'm so glad everything's working out this time!!! SO GLAD! Congratulations again!
I've been there. I had fibroids and a host of other problems and invasive procedures, including an unsuccessful round of IVF which was unbelievably sad for us. also, ultimately, a hysterectomy at age 40, followed, miraculously, by the adoption of our daughter from Vietnam a year later. I've almost forgotten the long and difficult road we took to becoming parents. The interesting part now is that she is entering puberty, and I am telling her about the changes in her body (as well as what's happened to mine), so she has lots of questions!
My good thoughts and prayers are with you during this precious time of preparation and anticipation!
Linna
I have 4 wonderful children between 12 & 9. I've been pregnant 9 times.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's a very important one.
With my first baby, I found a couple books on birth stories, in which women shared their experiences on getting, and being pregnant as well as the deliveries. This was important information to me at the time and I think your story falls into a similar category.
I find it interesting that when you described how you made your decision you put it in terms of John deserving to be a father. How do you feel about being a mom?
I remember when you were in the hospital for the first miscarriage, eventhough I don't "know" you and you didn't say what it was, I knew and my heart went out to you. Thank you for speaking out, until I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, I didn't know that anyone had them, I felt so very, very alone as you described. I have made a point of talking about it because I want others to know that it does happen to a lot of people. I was delighted to hear about Baby Z and look forward to holding your virtual hand throughout the pregnancy. **HUGS**
Theresa, that must have tough to write - thank you so very much for sharing so honestly and openly, and again, congratulations!
I had a miscarriage in between my two girls. I also had a huge fibroid (though we didn't know it until I had a hysterectomy 10 years after the birth of daughter #2). The doctor swore that it "couldn't have been" the cause of the miscarriage. Still, I'm glad yours was removed and you have peace of mind about it. Mine was causing debilitating monthly cramps and horrific bleeding.
I understand the emotional pain and loss with a miscarriage. I'm glad you were able to share these deeply personal things - it is often helpful (to you and to others) to bare one's soul. I am delighted to know that you and Baby Z are healthy and doing so well.
Thanks so much for sharing your story Theresa! I miscarried my last baby at the end of my 25th week. (one more week and it would have been classified a stillbirth, not a miscarriage) Fibroids that were mutating into the early stages of uteran cancer were the cause. I, however already had four healthy kids, which did not ease the pain of the loss, but perhaps dulled it a little. When I returned to work, and life, people avoided speaking to me at all, because they didn't know what to say. I have to agree with you that it was the most lonely time of my life, and my husband's. No one's ordeal with this whole experience of baby making is small. Even when everything is going right, it's still scary, and awe inspiring! Thanks for putting a very touchy subject out there, and encouraging discussion.
Thank you to everyone who has commented today. It seems like there is a large community of women out there who share or can understand my experience. It's nice to hear that so many of you do share and reach out to others when you can. That's my hope here, too.
Laurie wondered about me seeing this in terms of John and what I think about being a mom... well, my hopes is that I will be a good mom. I have a great mom myself, so I have a great example to work from, and I'm definitely looking forward to motherhood. But I guess there's always that little bit of self-doubt that creeps in. Some issues take longer to work through than others, I guess.
I hope everything continues to go smoothly for you! I had two early miscarriages before each of my last two children. It wasn't easy.
Thank you for your story. Many of my friends are pregnant right now and we have been trying. I miscarried last year but haven't really talked about it. It's hard to share this information with people who are so excited about their pregnancy. I feel like a major downer to bring it up. I'm so happy for you that you are now pregnant after your journey. I really appreciate you sharing how you arrived at this point. Thanks!
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm fighting the infertility battle right now & it helps so much to hear others have dealt with the turmoil, too.
Thanks again & best wishes to all three of you.
Hi Theresa,
A long time lurker, I wanted to say congratulations on the healthy pregnancy and thanks for sharing both parts of your story -- there's much there that I can relate to. The didn't-quite-trust-myself-enough-to-get-out wrong relationship, the new "keeper" relationship, some extended indecision about making 2 into 3, all while juggling career and house-buying. We're now all decided, but we have fertility and job instability issues to sort out, so we'll see what happens. Anyway, thanks again for trusting your readers and sharing your story.
hugs to you all ((())))) you have been through a lot enjoy your pregnancy now hun its a special special time. I havent lost a baby but nearly did with my first baby and its a very scary thing indeed.
Thank you for your post. It made me remember some of the things I went through when I had a miscarriage with my 3rd pregnancy. I feel very blessed that my first two pregnancies went well and I had two healthy children. I guess that made me so unprepared when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks with the 3rd pregnancy. The cause was a blighted ovum which I had never even heard of until that point in time. I had had some bleeding and was sent for an ultrasound. The technician made me wait forever while she did paperwork and finished her lunch. Then she did an abrupt examination and ended it very quickly telling me that I could go home. I knew right then that something was wrong. The tissue wouldn't pass out on its own and required a D and C a week later. It was a very lonely time for me. My husband and I were lucky to become pregant again right away after the recovery period. My thoughts go out to anyone who experiences a miscarriage.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Love to all three of you. xxx
It's really brave of you to tell this story, and I'll keep you in my prayers and hope for wonderful things for Baby Z!
How very courageous and generous to share your story. You wrote it all so very well. I am sorry for your past losses and heartaches, and joyous for your current blessings.
I certainly understand what you are going through right now...We had fertility issues and when we finally got pregnant (longer than 9 weeks pregnant) we had a threatened miscarriage and I was put to bed for 5 or 6 weeks. My son is now 17, so it worked out, but it took us 3 years to get him in the first place...many tears shed, many smiles since (and occasionally still a tear or two) over the years.
Hold fast, believe, hope and pray!
Thanks for sharing both parts of your story. I hope this pregancy and baby Z continue to make good progress. I had to smile at John's comment that every guy has to suffer for all of the sins of every other guy his wife/girlfriend has ever dated. Rick has said the same thing several times. :)
I'm glad you shared your story and hope it was somewhat cathartic. After I had the boy I had a m/c and I feel like I was able to deal with it in such a different way because I was already lucky enough to have a healthy 3 year old. You know? I was even luckier to get pregnant 4 months later with Supergirl. I'm so happy for you and John and can't wait to see you get all huge and pregnant with Baby Z!
I am happy for you!!
the amazing thing about talking about miscarriages is finding out how many women around you had them in all the various forms. I had 2 miscarriages, + one termination due to lack of development. and a few fertility treatments- only when I opened up to family and friends- I found out. it helped! a joy shared is a joy doubled and a pain shared is cut in half!
I sorry to read how much you've been through, but I'm so very happy to see where you are now. You and John will be great parents to lil' Miss Z.
Thanks for sharing this Theresa. I hope the rest of this pregnancy is smooth sailing the whole way and baby Z makes her appearance with a big smile on her face :)
In 11 days it will be the 5 year due date of my 3rd pregnancy. The one that didn't make it. The one that is missing. The one I miss. And yet, here I am thinking of that pregnancy, and looking into the eyes of my 4th child born. She will turn 5 in June. She's my miracle. She was conceived while my body still believed it was pregnant. Born 9 months after 9/11 on Flag day. She's special. And yet I miss her sibling. What was he like. What would she have looked like. I don't know.
I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant with my 5th. Another baby girl. Baby M. I have a profile ultrasound of my girl I just posted yesterday.
I had scares with this one that echo the one I lost. It was hard.
It's been worth it.
I can't wait to meet Baby M in person, and tell her about her 3 other siblings I hold in my arms, and the one I only hold in my heart. And how she's so very welcomed to our family.
Congrats Mom! Baby M already has a great one, I can tell.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. It gives me hope and confidence that *my* situation will change for the better.
Congrats to you, John and Baby Z. :D
Thank you for sharing. Miscarriage is truly one of the loneliest things I ever went through - I had 7 pregnancies and 3 children. I felt like a failure with each miscarriage (one of which was a tubal pregnancy). My youngest is a miracle - she was born after the tubal pregnancy, when we didn't think it could happen again. We had "secondary infertility" between the first and second babies and doctors couldn't find a cause, which was incredibly frustrating and probably contributed to the problem. Then the miscarriages... not a fun time, but we're incredibly lucky to have the 3 children.
i am so sorry for your losses. thank you for sharing. i wish you all the best with your little one!!!
Theresa, the same thing is happening for you that happened to me.... as soon as women know of your experience with miscarriage they share their own. After 3 pregnancies that each involved toxemia of pregnancy but thankfully resulted in 3 healthy kids my husband and I decided not to risk it again. He offered to make the trip to the dr.'s office. Six weeks later I was stunned into immobility when I saw that dark pink line on the stick. It didn't take very long to become attached though. I knew this would be my last and that I needed to be very concious of my health throughout. I was determined to cherish every minute of that pregnancy. When I lost our fourth child at exactly 12 weeks I was utterly destroyed. I admire you, and the women like you, who have the strength to try again after that loss. It's been nearly 5 years now and I'm ok - even happy to see round bellies. I truly am thrilled for you and John. You have come such a very long way together to reach this point and are so ready to give yourselves to your daughter. May Blessings be with all three of you, today and always.
It was an honor to share your story. Thank you.
Years ago, I was in a focus group when the question was asked "what do you really want to be in life?" and my answer was "I want to be somebody's mother." I have been for the last eighteen plus years and it's been a grand adventure. However, his "baby sister wasn't growed right" and we lost her at 12 weeks. Consequently, the Short Guy has been an only all these years and I can't look at him and not see the miracle that he is.
I wish you and John and Baby Z all the best.
Thank you for sharing your story. We all need to know that we are not alone in loss, and every woman who tells her story can help another woman find her way through grief.
We don't forget. But the gift is that we don't have to.
Thank you for sharing some more! When my son was almost one, I got pregnant, and we told everyone right away at his party (they thought I was nuts and it must be unplanned). Then I miscarried at 13 weeks. Never got to hear the heartbeat or know if it was a boy or girl. I was so unprepared for the hormonal craziness the few days after the D&C, I recognized it again after the birth of my second. With that pregnancy we didnt' tell anyone till 14 weeks, with the last one, some people didn't know till 24 weeks, LOL, but we were just getting lazy. How lucky your husband is to feel the baby already! I have too much padding, LOL.
And the quilt is so totally gorgeous. Unbelievably gorgeous. If I had something like that, I might actually make my bed!
Thanks for your post. I've had two miscarriages, and I'm so afraid that (if I'm able to get pregnant again) it will be just like the others. It's encouraging to hear *your* kind of story.
I had two miscarriages before having my two healthy pregnancies (at age 40 and 42), and I have been exactly where you walked. It is so important for us to tell people, though... the wife of a good friend of mine had a miscarriage with their first pregnancy and they were devastated. I was able to share my experiences, like you did yours, and I hope it helped them a little. By the way, they now have two adorable kids, too.
My loss is different. I am now and for the immediate future will be mourning the loss of children I will never become pregnant with or give birth to. When I was very young, I placed two boys for adoption and became pregnant in short time with my 3rd son who is now 16. During September of 2000, my migraines started. In December of 2004, I had 8+ hours of brain surgery, a surgery that was necessary to save my life. I now know that a full term pregnany would have killed me and left my son without a parent. As we do not know have enough concrete research to alleviate my concerns that the normal increases in intracranial pressure that would accompany a pregnancy would not cause the surgical site in my brain to bleed profusely, I will not be able to ever experience another pregnancy. Most days I think I'm over it and then something happens or I hear so and so is pregant and it reminds me that it is not going to happen again for me. Some days are easier than others. I would suspect it hit me harder this morning because I am so tired and emotionally worn out. It might sound stupid and trivial but I really do feel a profound sense of loss. It's more the loss of the idea or dream or whatever you want to call it. What my heart knows is that while I want more children, it will not be happening for me. Some days it is easier to deal with that knowledge than other days.
Poignant, personal and courageous. I'm filled with sadness for your lost children (and for the children I will never have, thanks to my faulty, fibroid-laden parts).
Thank you, Theresa for sharing your story on the path to motherhood. I'm holding you, John and Baby Z in my thoughts. Here's to a happy, smiling daughter!
Thank you for sharing your story. It's beautifully written, and I know (from experience!) how hard it can be to put those sorts of memories into words that you're imagining other people reading. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth, and that you're able to leave the worry behind.
(I found your blog through a link from Barely Tenured, and I'm not sure how I haven't seen it before. I'm a biostat grad student, a knitter, and a recurrent miscarrier whose "third try" is, amazingly, 20 months old today...)
wishing you and your family the very best Theresa!
First, I've been enjoying your knitting content for a long time now, thank you!
This really resonated for me: my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, too and I remember how horribly lonely and awful that was, and how it infuses all future attempts at pregnancy with fear.
Also, I can support your fibroid removal theory-- with my second child (third pregnancy) I had a scary, scary night and day of gushing blood at nearly 15 weeks. I thought for sure it was a miscarriage, but the baby was fine. Many powerful ultrasounds led to the theory that I have a fibroid that was interfering with placental attachment in one little spot. Maybe that wasn't it, but it kind of matches up with your history a bit.
Congratulations! Enjoy every single second. I never thought I wanted babies until suddenly I needed one, and it's been the most amazing, best thing to ever happen to me.
Thank you for sharing, Theresa. I really hope this third time will be the charm for you.
I'm also hoping with my husband for the third time, although our pregnancies have been only chemical (less than five weeks). We will be trying IVF in a few months.
What an incredibly touching post to read. My heart goes out to you and John, for what you have lost in the past, and also for what you will gain in the (near) future. You're a pretty awesome person, you know?
Lots of commenters, hard to say something new. I'm just glad that things are going well for you now, and that your support system has been strong and good.
Thank you so much for sharing. My son is the result of my third pregnancy as well. I had no fertility issues either (my hubby could look at me to get me pregnant) but we found out that I had a true luteal phase defect. Vaginal hormone suppositories for 12 (i cheated and went 14) weeks, 1 bout of cramping/spotting at 8 weeks, a borderline placenta previa at 14 weeks (thank God it moved!), a stunt in uterine growth at 32 weeks (it had stretched and was now being stubborn), a decrease in fetal movements at 35 weeks (necessitating monitoring of the baby - just to find that he had been sound asleep and therefore not moving) and finally at 3 days post his due date - a beautifully perfect and healthy 6 lb 10 oz and 20 inch long baby boy.
Yeah for you and thanks again for sharing.