8 Weeks, Baby!
Can my baby really be 2 months old? Just like I feel that I just married my husband, I have this feeling like we just brought Z home from the hospital. But she's changed so much since then. When we brought her home, she was a mostly floppy sleepy little thing. Now she can smile, and hold her head up and she's beginning to experiment with vocalizations that don't just involve crying.
Holding her head up consistently and for a long time is a real change for her. She's always been a lookie-loo baby, but now she can really go at it. When we take walks, that little head rotates back and forth, taking everything in. And when you put her on her tummy, she pushes herself up so that she can see more of what's around her. That wide-eyed expression is an almost constant one with her. Sometimes I wish I could be behind those eyes and try to understand what she sees and how she sees it. None of us remember our own babyhood, but I think one of the fun parts of being a parent for me is being able to watch my daughter go through hers and imagine what I must have been doing when I was her age.
Z isn't the only one who has hit some milestones... I have, too. This week marked my return to a more regular work schedule. I'm trying to do 50% time working from home, with one morning in the office until the beginning of November. Boy, oh boy, is this proving to be more challenging than I thought it would be. Honestly, it would be a lot easier just going into work! I love being home with her, even when she has her crazy fussy periods, which are beginning to diminish a little bit as she develops the ability to be more interactive. My dad always says "Nobody dies wishing they could spend another day at the office." and now that I have my daughter, that phrase rings true even more than it did before.
That said, it was awfully nice to sit at my desk this week and get to talk to adults about things that don't involve sleep cycles, diapers (and the contents thereof) or nursing schedules.
Like most working moms, I'm conflicted about the work vs. home thing. On one hand, I like what I do and working helps me feel like a whole person. On the other hand, I know that Z is only going to be at any given stage in her life one time. It's already distressing to me to think that her grandmother might be the first person to see her do something important. And sometimes I do worry if Z will suffer because I'm not home with her all the time -- even though she'll be in the very loving hands of my mother-in-law. My mother was home until my brother started school so I certainly had the benefit of having my mom always around during that critical time. But it's equally distressing to think about giving up my work life. I've invested a lot in that, too, and I am beginning to feel a little bit isolated in my daily baby routine since most of what we do still involves napping and nursing. So many things to balance as a new parent! Good thing I still have a month and a half or so left to think about it.
Welcome to the world of motherhood! Mom being conflicted is the way of the world. I have been on both sides of the fence (SAHM and outside-of-the-house-working mum) and they are both good and bad. Like, you can get so burned out being home with baby 24/7 BUT you miss the baby so much when you work. The hardest part about working is not WORK but is GETTING TO WORK and dealing w/baby when you are home and exhausted.
I will say that working from home never worked for me, at least not until the kids were preschoolers. I could get nothing done with my demanding children around--other moms do much better.
I'm not a mom, but my mom did have to return to work when I was small and my nana watched me. My relationship with my mom is wonderful and my relationship with my nana was something I will cherish forever. I think she was there when I first wrote my name, etc... but I think my mom and my grandmother were closer having "shared" me. We have a few 1/2 time moms here (in the lab) and it's tough on them. They have a hard time balancing work/home/baby.
As a mother of 3 all in their twenties now, I have worked through all of their childhoods. Every time I felt I was missing out on something I would take a week off from work and keep the kids home from daycare. By the middle of the week I would be ready to take them back to school, and they would be ready to go. Mom was definitely not as much fun as school and friends. Being a full-time mom is harder work than anything I was ever paid to do and I was on active duty in the US Navy when my kids were born. I finally decided that I was a much better mom for being away during the day and being able to come home and be a mom in the evening. As for missing out on ‘firsts’, whenever you experience that ‘first’, whatever it may be, then that IS the first (word, step, whatever). But everyone’s experience is different. You just have to find what works for you. Good Luck!
Z will NOT suffer because you are not home with her all the time. she will be enriched and learn much from all whom she comes in contact with. remember, it takes a village! also, you will be enriched by your contact with the world and will have more to give her and be a role model to her.
as a mom I was worried as well, but I found all the relationships my son has with those who help raise, him are very valuable!
All of the above. Plus, this week's New Yorker has an article by Jerome Groopman about colic and its effects on the parents. It claims that the screaming of a baby is about the most anguishing sound on earth. I found it extremely interesting (having had two screamers) and I bet you will too.
I just found out my daughter is 8 weeks pregnant. As a wannabe grandmother I've read your baby Z posts and enjoyed every minute of them.
I worked part time and my parents cared for my daughter. She has a wonderfully close relationship with them (especially as a first born grandchild) that my neices and nephews don't seem to enjoy. Since you've picked caregivers with similar values and childrearing ideas, you should relax and enjoy your grown up time.
My daughter and her husband have different work schedules so they'll only need an hour a caregiving four days a week and I'm over an hour away and work fulltime so I'm out as a babysitting grandmom.
Be happy that you have your mother in law. She raised your husband into a human you like, after all. :)
I went back to work full time when Anna was 8 weeks old. I was expecting to cry and hate it, but it was so freeing to be away from a demanding baby. I felt awful for really enjoying being back at work, too. But it felt great to be an adult again.
Yeah, I missed a few things with Anna at my Aunt's house, but I still get kisses and hugs and the entire force of her 2.5 year old vocabulary.
Oh, yeah. Motherhood came with guilt for me on both sides of the work/home fence: when I was working full time, I felt guilty going to work. When I'm home full time, I feel guilty for not contributing to the household income.
But at least I'm not alone in the guilt thing!
Mine are now 40 and 42,,so I am really looking back and often around at new mothers. I think a happy mother is more important than a stay at home mother yearning for adult companionship and satisfying work. Find the mixture that fits YOU. Z will have a great relationship with her NANA as I had with mine. I really treasured her all her life. My daughter never got to know hers until she was in her late 70's. SHe often wishes she had had more time with her.
Whatever you choose, choose to be happy, it will reflect in Z. Good luck
Work or Home - whichever you choose, do so with a glad heart, and the other will benefit as well. It won't be easy every day, every time, but beating yourself up because you enjoy both serves no one (and is the source of gray hair). A child that is loved by many grows and thrives. Follow your Mommy Insticts, and do what's right for your family.
It's the truly lucky, inspired parent who can balance both and really make it work. Best of luck to you, as always.
I have twin boys who are now almost 6 years and I work full time. I'd be a much worse mom if I stayed home (even by Sunday night I'm thinking thank god it's almost monday! LOL)And I agree with Susanne: the worst part is when you're tired and they're tired; it's a combustible mix.
I'm at work now. I took an hour this morning to take my 3 year old to gymnastics. I'll be working late tonight. I'm convinced it is all about balance. You figure out what is important (family, career, exercise, hobbies), and let the rest slide (housework, guilt).
I honestly think that daycare and afterschool programs have helped my kids become more social. I also believe my husband is a more involved parent then he would have been if I stayed home.
Good Luck. It does get better!
Lots of wise words above; I won't repeat them. As long as Z has a village of love, she won't suffer; and she'll learn that you might go away but that you'll come back. Finding the right balance for you is the trick -- and there's probably more than one way to do it. (So often we think there is only one answer to a qy.) Your life has many good pieces; savor them all.
It is so hard to believe she's 8 weeks old -- she is so beautiful. I have nothing to add as far as choices. We each have to do what's right for us, and I know I tend to question myself regularly about so many different things, that I just try not to tie myself in knots.
Take care.
Little Z is cuter than cute. And, like everyone else has said, if you're happy and whole, Z will thrive. If you decide you need the adult space and time for yourself, know that her grandmother will love her to pieces!
I worried a lot about the "what if I don't see the first X?!?!" thing, too. And we eventually did change our lives so that I could stay home with our children. But one perspective I've gained after 2 years of "firsts" is that the very first time doesn't matter as much as we think. It's not heralded by choruses of angels on trumpets, Z isn't going to call from across the room to let you know she's just rolled over for the first time (at least in a way you understand), and the first moments are also a lot less sudden than I'd expected. Kids spend an awful lot of time in the downward-facing dog position before they realize that one of those legs can move. There are weeks of them toppling over before they actually manage to sit for a second or two.
Anyway, that rambled, but if you know deep down that you need to work to be a good mother, I hope you won't fret too much about missing any one particular moment. :) Good luck! You're thoughtful and intelligent and love her very much. It will all work out.
You might want to pick up the book The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts. I am about 75 pages in and so far she talks a lot about the struggles women have, for those who decided to stay home and those who choose to work. I can't vouch for the whole book yet but so far, so good. A little on the political side sometimes (at least for me) but something that makes you think. Bennetts is a proponent for working mom's and the financial insurance and the intellectual stimulation that working brings for/to women. An interesting read if nothing else! Good luck with that beautiful little girl, you will be a great example to her!
Here's a book you might like:
http://www.amazon.com/Scientist-Crib-Early-Learning-Tells/dp/0688177883
It's called "The Scientist in the Crib."
Wow! Pretty soon she'll roll herself over, next thing crawling around and calculus! You are lucky that is her grandmother who cares for her. I totally know what you mean about the work thing. I gave up a career, and am just starting it again, hanging out with the 20-somethings (as a 40-something). I sometimes think that knowing women can do or be anything makes it very hard... because a person can't do and be too many things and do any of them well (career, mom, wife, community member, oh, I think the first three are enough). Do men have this issue???
Going back to work is the hardest thing. Everyone survives but you always wonder if you are doing enough. I think mothers heap lots of guilt upon ourselves, we don't need anyone else to do it for us.
I really believe that a happy child is a child that has happy parents. If you're not happy, your child won't be. If work makes you happy, you should work. If it doesn't, you shouldn't (if it's possible). But, I have also said that I love working and I love being a mother, but I hate being a working mother. One of my most recent blog posts discussed my own feelings about working mother's guilt. No child was ever damaged because their mother worked out of the home.
You might also have a rule with grandma about not telling you if Z does something with her first. My daycare providers were all very sweet by letting me think that LouLa did everything first when I was around. Maybe it did work out that way, maybe it didn't, but I got the joy of believing that it was with me, in our home.
I know where you're coming from. I was lamenting this just the other day. It's also compounded most likely by our weeks at home ahead of time. Even though L'il I is only five weeks old (tomorow), I've been home for eight already. I've always found myself torn between work and home, but ultimately the time I spend at work makes me feel a little more sane ... and on some days, it seems it's the only thing you can control, LOL. Personally, I console myself with the thoughts that my babies have and will continue to be in very capable hands at this young age and that there's a chance I'll be able to stay home with them when they hit that awkward middle school/high school age when child care is NOT available and there's way more trouble for them to get into after school.
I'm really enjoying working from home ... especially from a home-management standpoint (it's great not having my weekends filled with laundry because I got it all washed and folded during the week without staying up until midnight to do it) ... am thinking about trying to do that one day a week once I'm back full time. But I know from experience that once tots are mobile it's virtually impossible to get any significant amount of serious work done except during naptime (which diminishes too, LOL)
Z is so precious ... next time I'm in Chicago (probably this coming summer) I'll let you know ... these two kindrid spirits have to meet each other :)
I don't want to scare you or anything but that's exactly how I feel about my girls - and they are 31 (with 3 wee ones of her own) & 34. Once you have a baby, time becomes so elastic. When they are teething (or going through the nasty parts of being pubescent), time seems to stand still but then, when you look back, time seems to have gone by without your even noticing it. Gather ye memories while ye may!!!!
What an awesome picture!
I think, in a perfect world, every workplace would have onsite/very close daycare...and you could start back parttime (or with your baby in a sling), go full time from about 10 weeks (if your baby sleeps well, LOL) to 9 months, then take maternity leave again for a year cause that is such an incredible time for development. I think it's crazy that the US has such poor maternity leave laws, but at the same time, the first 10 weeks or so aren't too exciting....just exhausting!
Ultimately only you can know what will work for your family and you are lucky that you have a relative that can stay home with your child if you choose not to (and that you have the choice). You may be giving your baby a relationship with her grandmother that she might not have already had if she becomes the "primary caregiver". Good luck. Unfortunately one of the things that comes with parenting is the never ending debate of what you "should" do in regards to child care, "work" (like staying at home is a piece of cake, but some of us think it's the right thing for our family), breast vs. bottlefeeding, etc. Just don't get too caught up in the parenting/baby magazines, who constantly bring up those differences to sell magazines. You can always make a different choice down the line as well. I have a friend who went straight back to work and then quit her job after a few months, and I know many people who have stayed home for a year or so and then went back to work. We are so lucky that we have the choices we do.
I am on the other side now--my kids are 26 and 27. I was a sensitive kid, and I missed my working mother. Then I grew up to be just as focused and determined a worker as she was, and I skimmed through my own kid's lives. I REGRET IT. I look at my daughter and there is evidence she missed me, too.
What I will tell her: Do not repeat your mother's and grandmother's mistake. Work? Yes, definitely--but find a way to do it less than full time. You don't have to do everything WITH the kids, but being present and available is more valuable for everyone. The 70s sold us the Super-We-Can-Have-It-All Woman image, still prevalent today, and I'm here to tell you:
You Can't.
It is so good that Z baby is getting a chance to bond with her grandmother. I really value the time and bonds I have with my grandparents and I think it has made me a better, richer person. You really do her a favor by giving her and her grandmother this time together.
What a sweetheart! My puking just got a little easier to take. Thank you for sharing Z!
What a sweetheart! My puking just got a little easier to take. Thank you for sharing Z!