Friday Baby Eye Candy
Thanks to all the helpful comments from Wednesday, I finally figured out how to do a little knitting while I was nursing and May's collar is finished. Since a third picture of garter stitch collar pieces would more than even I could bear to see on my blog, I decided to opt for the cute baby picture route.
Before I get there though, I thought I'd comment a little bit about nursing.
While I was pregnant with Z, I was pretty sure I wanted to breastfeed her. I'm not a "lactivist" by any stretch of the imagination, but I am an immunologist and I know that breast milk has a lot of immunological value to newborn babies. I didn't figure it could be all that hard to breast feed a baby, after all, all of us that have 2 X chromosomes come with the same basic equipment.
Initially, I was surprised at how uncomfortable it was. It took me a while for me and Z to get a rhythm and for my anatomy to get used to doing something it had never done before. Early on, babies don't have much head control, so when you nurse, you pretty much have to support them the entire time. Even a nursing pillow can't do the whole job for you. So it can be challenging to get into a good position. And bad positioning means arm pain, back pain, etc.
But after a while, Z and I seemed to get things co-ordinated right and the discomfort mostly disappeared. I still have to deal with days that she clamps on like a pair of pliers and then proceeds to gnaw on my breast, but in general, she's gotten less aggressive. I suspect that I have also developed less sensitivity. A win win situation for me and for her.
After the physical issues subsided a bit, some of the mental issues started to become more prominent. On one hand, nursing is the ultimate act of nourishing and caring for your baby. On the other hand, you can end up feeling like you are just your baby's milk tank. I never really anticipated the stress that I would feel because I needed to feed a baby every three hours and feeding her took about 45 minutes. Or the stress of being worried that when she got hungry I might not be around to meet her needs. Its wonderful and awful to be the sole source of nutrition for my child. And on different days I swing towards one side or the other.
Which is where the knitting comes in.
When we first get up in the morning, Z gets almost my whole attention when we nurse. It's a special time in the morning. She's happy and I'm sleepy and I feel like I can just stare at her for hours. Endorphins, perhaps? Good Mommy hormones? But as the day progresses, and I'm on my 5th or 6th hour of nursing for the day, I start to feel like I'm not getting any time for me, and I feel like she's more of a burden than a joy. Yes, I know that motherhood is all about sacrifices, but it's also about balance. I want Z and I to have meaningful time together. I also want to feel like I am still a person in my own right and not just a food supply. So the compromise is that nursing time is for her to eat and for me to try to indulge in something that I might not get to do otherwise. I've gotten caught up on some of my pleasure reading, I make the occasional phone call and now I can make some stitches happen on a knitting project. And Z gets a much happier Mom -- someone who doesn't mind nursing quite as much and feels better about it because nursing means enjoying a baby and also getting a little time for myself.
The experience of nursing has made me realize why the statistics are so bad for breastfeeding in this country past the first month or so. Breastfeeding is hard work and almost no one prepares you for what it's really all about. I'm so glad I'm giving Z this kind of start, and I wouldn't want it any other way, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about giving it all up every now and again so that I could have some of my old freedom back.
But just about the time I start to think that way, Z treats me to something like this:
And I realize that that happy healthy baby in front of me is happy and healthy because of what I'm doing. It doesn't take the hard stuff away, but it definitely makes it more worthwhile and rewarding.
Good job on nursing little Z (she is sooo cute :-) but don't forget that nursing isn't "just" about food and antibodies. It is also comfort and security for the baby. Maybe that thought makes it easier not to feel like just a food source ;-) Nothing mends an owie as quickly as nursing :-)
I'm currently nursing my third baby (who at seven weeks isn't smiling yet, I'm getting impatient!) and while I can't knit at the same time I can read books and blogs (like now!) and watch tv. And eat, if I have to...
Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm planning on breastfeeding and have been reading up on the benefits of it, but as the book advocates strongly for breastfeeding, they don't mention the hard work and time-consuming aspects. Hopefully the class I've signed up for will be closer to reality!
I have to say that I really enjoyed breastfeeding. I never had any discomfort or latching on issues so I know I was really lucky. And I liked knowing that as a working mom it was the one thing that only I could do for my baby.
Of course, I didn't knit back then. ;-)
Ah, the 'joys' of breastfeeding "Jaws". I still wince at the memory, & she's 21 today!
Stick with it, like everything else to do with parenting, it's a phase, it will pass. Whether the next phase will be an improvement . . .
& as for feeling somewhat less than a person in your own right - welcome to the wonderful world of Motherhood. Just wait til she leaves home & you then have to work on discovering who you are 20 years on!
It's all well worth it, honest.
Hey Z! Hey T! I'm drinking my morning cuppa with ya! Love to see the smiling Z—I was struck by how she's looking right into pappa's camera and making beautiful *eye contact*. Then I was struck by how much she looks just like YOU! Adorable!
And soon, nursings will become just a 10 minute session and you will miss (okay, maybe not) the 45 minute sessions. I struggled through hell for 8 weeks getting the hang of nursing (too graphic to get into a comment). I felt like cattle. But in the end it was worth it. It isn't for everyone - smiles and happy healthy babies, and moms, are what's important.
There are plenty of happy, healthy bottle-fed babies in this world, I was one of them. Nursing is a beautiful experience, but don't let the lactation nazis get you down for not enjoying it as much as they think you should.
What a beautiful baby picture! It brightened my morning!
I think nursing is a good metaphor for the mixed feelings all through parenting. There will still be times long after Z is weened when you want to spend every waking moment enjoying her, and at the same time want to go running from the house to do your own thing. I think that's why we're all looking for the mystical "balance."
I know some people who were wistful when they were done nursing. I made it to 13 months with both, was glad that I did, and did not miss it one bit.
Been there, done that. It is refreshing to read such an accurate description of the breastfeeding experience. I BF my last 2 for 2 years (worked full time, too) and I did at times feel like the cow, but I think my last 2 children are bonded more closely to me because of all the time spent nursing. Baby Z is beautiful!
Your post are always so well written and thought out. You captured how I felt about nursing exactly. I knew it was good for her, and didn't quit, but there were times in the day especially during the evening marathons that I just felt empty in so many ways. Your little girl is adorable!
Awww, such a sweet smile!
Before each of my 2 children were born I bought a can of formula, I threw the cans away unopened when each of them was a year old.
It might help you to pump and store some breast milk so that you aren't quite so anxious about always being so available. I was working, so I pumped so my husband could do evening feedings while I was at work.
Have a great weekend.
I love how honest you are about motherhood in your blog. I feel that the reason some blogs become boring after someone has a baby is because the new mother just gushes about the baby and never tells about the dark side of motherhood. You have a nice balance.
Although the initial discomfort of breastfeeding requires perseverance, I always felt it was way lazier than bottle feeding. I always had the "equipment" with me, I didn't have to sterilize or assemble anything, and when the baby was finished there was nothing to disassemble or wash. I would echo a previous comment that pumping and letting John feed Z a bottle of your milk would probably be nice for both of them and would free you up occasionally.
I was lucky that the discharge nurse was also the lactation consultant: she taught me something that I will bless her for, forever.
At one day old, I already had blisters (ow) from nursing. She taught me to gently roll the baby's lower lip down with my pinkie without trying to get him to unlatch. I couldn't believe what a difference that made.
Finally he was the one getting the nursing callus on his lip instead of me! If it hadn't been for her, I probably would have given up.
It really is unfortunate because they don't prepare us well for breastfeeding. I remember how hard it was to get started with my older daughter. I do think it's worth it though and i felt so proud of being the sole source of nutrition for my younger daughter. I'd like to think that the nursing had a long lasting positive effect on them.
I don't know if I've told you this yet, but you are a constant reassurance that what I'm feeling as a mother is normal and ok. Mine is a few days away from turning 2 mos, and I have quite often read your posts and completely identified with your feelings/experiences. Thank you so much for telling it like it is!!!
Thanks so much for your thoughts on motherhood and nursing. As the DH and I try for a baby, I look towards women like you as good role models for the type of parent I want to be. I truly believe that you can be an awesome, devoted parent, but also have the balance with other things in your life.
Little Z is really starting to look like her own little self! What a doll, she is going to be a looker when she grows up!
Thank you for your honesty. My 4th baby is now almost 4 months old. We tried the breastfeeding route and I made it the longest with her. 10 days. Unlike everything I read on the net and in the books, breastfeeding for me causes depression for me! Severe, gut retching, don't touch the baby she might wake up and want to eat, depression. It was awful. It was really affecting my bonding with her and finally I allowed myself to fail once again at breastfeeding and gave her a bottle. To say that you can't bond and comfort your child with a bottle is just silly. Plus daddy gets to get in on the action too! (and I'm glad you tell the truth... breastfeeding is one of the best and pleasant and wonderful things you can do with your child, and it can also be one of the toughest emotionally and mentally and physical thing a mommy can do) Some of us HAVE to fail at breastfeeding to be a good mom. Even if we don't like it.
She's gorgeous! I think babies become more efficient nursers around three months (?) and are able to get in 10 minutes what used to take 45 (or longer!) So hang in there. :) I always thought more people would stick with it if they could just make it to that point, when it gets easier and less all-consuming.
Lovely photo of Z- she's a cutie! And, as someone who had to supplement early on with my son, bottle-feeding has its own demands and rigors (sterilizing, mixing, doing the feeding) mixed with a huge dose of guilt and frustration - mothering is just a lot of work any way you feed them. ;) Enjoy the knitting time - as soon as she's mobile, a whole new non-knitting universe opens up...but she'll be nursing efficiently by then. ;)
omg! she is soo cute! thank you for sharing that baby face! soon enough she will be weaned. me time can be highly over rated when you look at that smile. my oldest weaned herself at 10 mons. i had to evict the last at 18 mons. (no milk for you! i was the boob nazi)
You might want to consult an expert, but I was told that all the milk drained after 15-20 minutes of nursing. After that, the baby is pretty much using you as a pacifier. You could consider giving Z a soother after 25 or 30 minutes of nursing. If you freed up even 15 minutes of your time every nursing session it might be easier on you.
Z has big beautiful eyes to go along with that stellar smile.
Man, that little face could get anything out of me too and I don't even have the happy Mommy hormones going!
I'm probably revealing myself as 'not a mother' here, but,
would you consider using nursing time as time to listen to podcasts or audiobooks? While it's not quite the same as nursing, I have found them to be sanity saving while commuting or travelling by train or plane.
There are always going to be some people who will get on you about the "right" way to do things when it comes to parenting...especially mothering. The right thing to do is the right thing for you. I bf both of my boys (16 & 27 now). The first one for about 6 mos and the 2nd one about 2 years...both lengths of time were right for the mom and for each of the kids. There are some things that are way easier about bf...those feedings at night...no need to warm a bottle, travel was easy...the "bottles" only took up a little bit extra room!, cleaning bottles was easy! Nobody has mentioned it but the diapers for breast fed babies are a pleasure compared to formula diapers. I did pump extra milk and froze it for when I would be away and to have my husband do some feedings. Both of my kids had problems digesting regular formula so the bf was helpful to them. However, I did have times when I felt like I was the milk truck, I could only do something else in the begining after awhile if I tried to do something like read a book while we nursed...the pages turning were a distraction to the baby, the milk marks on clothes because you leaked. There are ups and downs to everything. The pain from nursing does subside (only to resurface when they start to teethe)someone did suggest that Z maybe using you as a pacifier...I was told no more than 15 mins on each side...anything more than that is pacifier...the one was pretty good about finding his own thumb...the other needed help or a nuk in the beginning...that really helped me...though I have to say the one did sqwauk in the beginning but he adjusted. Everyday that you've nursed her has helped her along and if that day comes that you decide the milk truck needs to be parked...don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. What every child needs is a parent that is happy and taken care of...if your needs aren't being met (with time of your own, or whatever)its much harder to meet someone else's needs. I have boys so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...but I think Mom's of girls need to be modeling for their daughters that its OK that Mom doesn't always come last...someday Z will be a Mom and you'll want her to take care of herself too. Went on for much too long but be kind to yourself!
Aww, Baby Z is soooooo cute - those beautiful big eyes & that teeny bit of tongue poking out from her cute little smile. Breastfeeding can be incredibly complex & difficult (altho I admit I was fairly lucky with my 2 girls). The one thing to remember though is that the most important factor in deciding whether it will continue is that the mommy be happy & relaxed. It sounds simple but, when life with a little one gets hectic, it is easy to forget. So just remind yourself, "this is not self indulgent - doing this is guaranteeing that Baby Z is well fed."
I also did a lot of reading when I was nursing my three children, more with the 2nd and 3rd because nursing was about the only time I had to sit down and slow down. And I will always remember the early nursing days of my daughter when I was reading the first 6 Harry Potter books one after the other.
She is SO GORGEOUS!!!
I love that Z is sticking that little tongue out at you. Watch out for that little one, I see a burgeoning imp!
What a great post! I am about 11 days into nursing my son, and agree with you wholeheartedly. I want to do this, but, wow is it all consuming. We had a rough start, with a week in NICU and are still doing some supplementing, but, I do love sitting in the quiet with him and being there for him. I'm a long way from trying to knit while we nurse though :)