So my fantasy
Becomes reality
And I must be what I must be
And face tomorrow.
-- from Simon & Garfunkel, "Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall"
Ever since I was a teenager, I have found myself able to get emotionally entangled with books and good stories. My first journeys to Middle Earth in the Tolkein books were a prime example. I was unable to put them down because I had been so pulled in that I would be physiologically impacted until I finished them. And after I would read them, I would devour everything I could find to help me understand that world, stay there a little longer. Even though I'm a pretty high maintenance creature who would never do well in a conventional medieval fantasy setting (hello, indoor running water required, thank you very much), it doesn't take very much to get me to the place where I want to be saturated with elven lore and believe in magic. I think this is why I liked Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere so much... a modern person transported into a world of the bizarre and somewhat magical.
When I was in high school, I read fantasy voraciously... Piers Anthony, David Eddings, Terry Brooks, Katherine Kurtz, Raymond Feist, Robert Lynn Aspirin, Roger Zelazny, Stephen Brust, Christopher Stasheff, Stephen R. Donaldson and many many more lined my shelves. As I got older, if I got a magick-using fantasy world combined with a good boy meets girl storyline, I was not only hooked, but emotionally invested. I would wrap up these books and immediately be at the bookstore looking for the next installment. I wanted to know where those characters were going. Wanted them to be real, a little bit. Borders Bookstore started in Ann Arbor (my home town) at one incredibly fabulous location. I was always camped out there hunting down my favorite authors. Sometimes it would take a day or two for me to break loose of the connection I had made to the book. Since high school wasn't one of those times of my life that I would willingly go back to, I'm pretty sure that these fantasy worlds gave me a place to go to where I could believe in a different world, instead of one populated by mean teenage girls.
As I've gotten older, it's harder and harder for me to get to that fully absorbed place. I still like a good tour through a fantasy world, but I don't get connected unless it's particularly real. Computer role playing games weren't all that available when I was in high school, but I developed a real passion for them in grad school and beyond. Now, not only could I read about a world, I could put myself in it. As graphics and other production values for these games get better, I can almost feel like I am there... and those strong physiological effects of emotional connection are back...
It's funny for me to be writing this. I'm a scientist, eh? Someone trained to want to understand reality in great detail. Someone who has a vested interest in developing technology and loves to roll around in the glow of the latest technological gadget. Makes me feel like sometimes I am two different people. The pragmatic technologist and the romantic dreamer. It's also funny to me to think that at the same time as I am feeling emotionally engaged by a video game -- technology pulling me into fantasy -- there's also a part of me stepping back from it, analyzing myself and the neurology of this behavior, reminding me that, unlike when I was a teenager, my forty year old self has too many responsibilities to indulge in a pure flight of fantasy. A little unsure of what to make of the fact that I am not completely in control of the response.
There was a time in my life that I would have been embarrassed to admit all this, but this time, I seem to have gotten myself to a place where instead of being a bit disturbed and disoriented by my response, I'm kind of embracing it -- it's kind of neat that to ride some emotional highs and lows, to lose myself a little bit and get to be someone else entirely. Sometimes losing myself helps me find things about myself that I had forgotten were there. Gets me inspired, shakes me up, reminds me how driven I can be when something really grabs my attention, and that I shouldn't give up on the idea that I can make a difference in the world.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post, so please forgive me the rambling. One of those "found things" seems to be to get out there and do some more creative writing, tell some more stories about myself, move words around in pleasing ways. Perhaps in the next weeks, more of that sort of stuff will show up here as Dragon Age continues.
As an aside, there actually is a character in Dragon Age (an older, female mage -- ah, stereotypes -- but at least she is a pretty tough, non-typical older woman) that talks about "making fuzzy blankets with animals on them" and "slippers with pom poms" -- knitters, apparently, can be found on both sides of the reality divide.