Absent on Wednesday. No pictures today. My fingers have been quiet.
I was going to show you the lovely color gamp warp that I just started on, but it's much less impressive to imagine when one forgets one's camera. Suffice it to say, it was a pleasure to measure off my warp and touch a whole rainbow of colors on a grey January day. I'm quite excited about this project, because the gamp will result in a blanket (roughly 40" x 50" in size) and I'll be working on a dobby floor loom -- the loom I had so much fun working on for the last couple of weaving classes is now ready to weave!
Having finished off the two Dragon Age novels (The Stolen Throne
and The Calling
) on my Kindle (which were better than I expected and entertaining if you are also interested in the back story to the game, but probably not worth your time otherwise) I'm now going back to one of my all time favorite authors, Neil Stephenson. I downloaded The Diamond Age
this morning and am moving from swords and sorcery fantasy to cyberpunk and nanotechnology -- a bit of literary whiplash there, but the trial chapter drew me in, and so I go.
Other than that, I am trying to figure out how to cope with the 2 year old's main weapon -- refusal and screeching. How, oh how, do they manage to hit the perfect pitch for creating the maximum disturbance in their mothers, and combine that with resisting absolutely any request, even simple ones like putting on socks? My child is lucky she has two parents right now. While she has a remarkable knack for being incredibly cute, she also pushes my buttons faster than anyone I know (and given some people that I know, that's saying something). Any experienced mothers with suggestions (I've already figured out the glass of wine option, but that doesn't seem like a good plan at 10 in the morning) are more than welcome to share their secrets!
With a little luck, this weekend there will be couch surfing and sleeve knitting. Or else there will be pictures of yarn on Monday... you have been warned.
I was going to show you the lovely color gamp warp that I just started on, but it's much less impressive to imagine when one forgets one's camera. Suffice it to say, it was a pleasure to measure off my warp and touch a whole rainbow of colors on a grey January day. I'm quite excited about this project, because the gamp will result in a blanket (roughly 40" x 50" in size) and I'll be working on a dobby floor loom -- the loom I had so much fun working on for the last couple of weaving classes is now ready to weave!
Having finished off the two Dragon Age novels (The Stolen Throne
and The Calling
) on my Kindle (which were better than I expected and entertaining if you are also interested in the back story to the game, but probably not worth your time otherwise) I'm now going back to one of my all time favorite authors, Neil Stephenson. I downloaded The Diamond Age
this morning and am moving from swords and sorcery fantasy to cyberpunk and nanotechnology -- a bit of literary whiplash there, but the trial chapter drew me in, and so I go.Other than that, I am trying to figure out how to cope with the 2 year old's main weapon -- refusal and screeching. How, oh how, do they manage to hit the perfect pitch for creating the maximum disturbance in their mothers, and combine that with resisting absolutely any request, even simple ones like putting on socks? My child is lucky she has two parents right now. While she has a remarkable knack for being incredibly cute, she also pushes my buttons faster than anyone I know (and given some people that I know, that's saying something). Any experienced mothers with suggestions (I've already figured out the glass of wine option, but that doesn't seem like a good plan at 10 in the morning) are more than welcome to share their secrets!
With a little luck, this weekend there will be couch surfing and sleeve knitting. Or else there will be pictures of yarn on Monday... you have been warned.
A two year-old is trying to assert her influence on the world. Give her an opportunity to do that with simple choices, such as between the blue shirt or the green shirt. Don't make it an open ended choice because she might get overwhelmed.
Mine did that when I would try to abruptly move her from one activity to another. I had to give her time to adjust. "In 5 minutes, it'll be time to put on your socks" "In 4 minutes..." etc. Then when it was time, she did it without fuss. Unless she was just cranky. ;)
You've already gotten the two thoughts that crossed my mind - choice - brush teeth or put on socks first? - and time for her to adjust - both of which can be difficult at times when you need to leave right now!
Hi Theresa, this is my first time commenting but i've been reading your blog for about a year. Love your work, you have such patience for colorwork, not me! but what we do have in common is the daughter. unfortunately my husband and i didn't learn this until she was about 5 and well under way to running our entire house but the class we took thru our church, "Growing Kids God's Way", taught us initially about "first time obedience" - doing what you're told, when your told and doing it all the way. to practice it just send her to another room of the house then you call her, "Z, come here please" or "Z, come to mommy" and when she comes make a big praising deal out of it. Next we learned that giving children choices at too young an age is a BIG mistake because they then start to think they have a choice for everything - red cup or blue cup? (by the way that's EXACTLY the example used in class, i'm not mocking the previous commenter!), apple juice or orange juice?, cereal or toast? time for your nap....than their little minds go "no nap". even at 5, once we started first time obedience and limiting our daughter's choices we saw a big difference in our house. of course, non compliance would be met with the consequence previously discussed with her so she knows ahead of time if she doesn't do what's expected she's CHOOSING the consequence. Sorry so lengthy but I so feel your stress! BTW, i can't wait to see the progress on your man's sweater!!!
Hi Theresa,
I'm in the small choices for little people camp. Not everything is a choice like holding your hand on the street but the color of the shirt she wears can be. The screeching and refusal will pass. I have always thought civilization sets in around the age of 4 (but things improve a good bit before that too!). Maybe a nice coffee can replace the wine at 10am. Hang in there, keep your sense of humor and your patience. Ms Z is a lovely little girl and somehow we all make it through the terrible twos and threes.
My son is three. I limit his choices as much as possible. I don't take "No!" for an answer. And when he does the crying/screaming/whining because he's not getting what he wants, we do some deep breathing together and I tell him that I can't understand him when he's that upset so I don't know what he wants. (Which is actually true.) When he calms down enough for me to understand him, I can respond to his request--"Oh, you want some juice now?" or "No, you don't need daddy's marker. How about reading a book with mommy?" It doesn't work 100% (nothing does) but it helps.
Hi Theresa,
I am a first time commenter, but long time fan of your blog! My daughter is 6 and my son is 19 months. I love the book "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years" by Jim and Charles Fay. It is about choices and predicable consequences when the child does not follow through with making good choices. Honestly, I get complements all the time about how well behaved our 6 year old is. I don't know if it is her personality or the discipline style, but I'll find out with my son! My husband and I both follow the principle which really helps with consistency. Good luck!
Welcome to the terrible twos! The good news is that all the screeching and tantrums are balanced by the absolute cuteness and hugs and handholding when you least expect it. The only advice I have is something my mother told me: Remember that you are the adult.
Giving two choices is what we've found to work best, also. There is an organization that teaches this in a 5-week course only for $25 price of the textbooks, and I highly recommend it, the sooner the better. It's called the Love and Logic Institute (www.loveandlogic.com) and is taught by facilitators around the US. It's all about parenting with choices that are safe, giving the child a feeling of being in control, when in fact, you are, and she experiences the consequences of the two choices you gave her ("But I don't want the red car" "That's so said, I gave you the choice and that's what you wanted.") helping her to learn limits through experience. This method heads off parental frustration.
Hi Teresa. I feel your pain. My girls are 10, 13 and 16 so I've been through this 3 times already (plus I have a 6 year old boy, but he's a piece of cake compared to my girls). I think the two most helpful bits of advice I ever got (especially with my oldest, the defiant one) was the two bits of advice you've already gotten. Where were those first 3 commenters when my foot stomper was little?? The defiant ones want POWER. They continue to defy you because it makes them feel powerful. They refuse to do things that you ask because they feel you are taking away their power. Empower them with small choices and they will be more willing to let you make the big ones. (i.e. It is bedtime. Would you like to wear the pink jammies or the blue ones? Bedtime is not negotiable but jammies are.) The transition time is vital too. She may not know what 5 minutes is but she will have been warned and it gives her time to feel like it was her idea to move on instead of feeling yanked (again powerless) out of something she wanted to do more.
Not to start an argument with people in the comments (and I'm glad if it helped the previous commenter), but IMO, "Growing Kids God's Way" is pretty much the biggest load of crap I've ever had the misfortune to clap eyes on. I am an extremely conservative Christian and, even for me, it made me so mad that I literally threw the DVDs across the room. Having read your blog for almost as long as you've been writing it, trust me, you'd hate it.
While I'm being controversial, if you are not opposed to a little swat on the behind, this is prime time for that. The defiant toddler/preschool years is about the only time I used it but it worked wonders for my oldest. I rarely spanked the other children. Some little kids really need the wake up call that a swat on the behind gives. It gets into their head that submitting to authority is a part of life and now is the easiest time to learn to accept that reality. When they are older and able to understand complex explanations or can be given more cause/effect based consequences to their actions I think it's silly to spank, but while they are little and it really is legitimate to just say, "I am the parent. You simply have to obey me whether it makes sense to you or not." it is, IMO, often useful.
My daughter still behaves that way - she is 33.
Ah yes - that screeching that sends you up a wall. My 2 year old can hit the sweet spot for me in the blink of an eye & yet it doesn't phase his father one bit. I know it doesn't really help, but this too shall pass. My evidence - very nicely socialized 5 and 7 year olds. My advice - those headphone things that they use on flight lines. Just kidding - they don't really block out the screeching. Love, the patience of a saint & a healthy sense of humor will get you through the tantrums. My mother always said that the cuteness was nature's way of making sure the human species survived past this age. good luck!
I just read The Diamond Age a few months ago - one of my friends is back in school to get her teaching degree, and I read it along with her for a class. I'm excited to hear what you think about it.
Not having chillins of my own I am not the one to ask.
But I wanted to comment to Tam - I was a super stubborn kid and while the 'choices' often worked for me, there were times when a spanking is what it would take to get through my thick skull! (I'm not that old - 26.) My husband and I have already had this argument - I do not think a spanking in response to extremely bad behavior is 'child abuse.' I remember once when I went limp in a store, kicking, screaming, etc. My mom simply picked me up, took me outside, and spanked me right there in the parking lot.
From then on, she only had to say "Do you want to go outside?"
I was only spanked for throwing a fit, cussing & screaming at my parents, and lying. All things kids will do - and ya know what? I am a very honest, polite person now. ;)
(In other words, you can do what you want. But if you choose to spank, it will not kill her!)
I agree with the comments as to 2 choices, some things are not negotiable,etc. But, (and I have 2 girls) girls love to shriek, scream, and otherwise drive you nuts. Mine would get into shrieking contests - who could shriek the loudest, highest pitch, longest. Nothing official, just still - my mind would melt. Make sure your daughter is in a safe place and then go into your bathroom with a magazine or fun catalogue and take deep breaths. I found lots of exercise helps, I know it is winter. I would take my daughters to the mall before the stores open and let them run. I could see them and they couldn't get into too much trouble and the walkers oohed and aahed over how cute they were. They we would would go home and nap. A good day. Good luck and soon enough Z will be a teen and then these days will look like fun.
Pick your battles. I know that it is difficult. It is also a mom/daughter thing that cannot be explained. Remain firm and be glad she is not triplets. Count your blessings every day. The qualities that are the most difficult now are the ones that will benefit her the most as an adult.
Okay, this is freaky. I finished the new Barbara Kingsolver book last night and reached for Neal's Snow Crash. Are we on the same wavelength, or what?
And good luck with the terrible 2's. I'm afraid I don't have much advice -- just the hopeful message that she will grow out of it!
I loved the Diamond Age! It's one of my favourite Neal Stephenson books. Hope you enjoy it, and if you like that you should totally read Snow Crash as well.
Wow, lots of good advice here. I am just starting to experience the same thing with my 18-month old. We've started the little choices. But so far this week, I've had to just put him down on the floor (in our living room) to have his tantrum while I walked away and sat down.
I know he is too young to understand "5 more minutes" but I think I'll start that, too.
My least favorite thing about this age is the food throwing when he is done eating something. I just keep repeating "Henry, we don't throw our food when we're done. We just leave it on the plate or give it to mama when you don't want it anymore." Somedays he gets it, but I am hoping that soon this sinks in for good! And I will be able to walk barefoot in my kitchen again. :)
Wow. Thank you for all the feedback. It's nice to hear more than one person say "I've been there and this too will pass". And to hear that my experiences are not particularly unusual. Gives me hope for both me and Ms. Z.
@mote: I've read Snow Crash -- it's what made me put Diamond Age on my list!
Do what makes YOU sane...honestly, some people are well intentioned with their advice about dealing with X or Y behavior but the bottom line is that it only makes you feel more ineffective when it doesn't work. It's the nature of their development and it's not gonna change...lord knows I have tried, but once I gave up trying to change the behavior and realized it's myself and how I perceive the behavior...it helps. EVERY task seems like a challenge (times two) and I swear it takes me 2 hours just to get their clothes on. Get a break when and if you can...helps to reframe perspective I guess.
I don't have any suggestions. I'll just reassure you that in the long run you'll mostly remember the smiles. My daughter's 36 now and we get along very well.
I'm excited to see the gamp blanket and I'd love to see pictures of the dobby loom.
As to the 2 year old: I found that letting her have as much autonomy as possible works best. My older daughter started dressing herself when she was 2 & actually picked most of her clothes when we went shopping. There were many days when I felt like pinning a "This child picks out her own clothes" sign to her but it did seem to help cut down the tantrums somewhat & make her a bit more amenable to getting dressed. I also had a rule that she could scream, cry as much as she wanted to but I did not have to listen to it. So, if she wanted to carry on, she had to go in her room & close the door. It is amazing how the desire to throw a fit diminishes when there is no audience. That is not to say there will be no more tantrums & her behavior will be meek & perfectly in line with what you want. But it will help. And I found it helped to remind myself that the annoying behavior was a sign that she was developing into her own autonomous self so that one day she could function as a full fledged adult (& she has, in fact, turned into a very nice one too - altho still strong willed). And also age 3 is a real reward for making it through the terrible 2's - not much sweeter than a 3 year old.
Just about every mother I know agrees that three is much harder than age 2.
My defense--pick my battles, and if I do enter a battle, I will NOT back down or give in. NEVER let a 2 year old think they've won or changed your mind, LOL. And, when they start carrying on, I repeat (either in my head or out loud) "I will not engage" over and over.
There is a book I read years ago about what it means when your child pushes your buttons. It's not about your child, it's about you, and you've taught the child what buttons to push. Those buttons were created from your own childhood. The book was not in the parenting section of the library, but the adult self-help/psychology section. Sometimes learning about ourselves improves our relationship with our young children :)
Do you think the Dragon Age novels would be interesting for someone who hasn't played the game? I'm always up for a good sword and fantasy novel series :)
You and I had our children days apart - but I was having my second child when you had your first. So, I have a two year old that is right on par with yours right now. I can say that some days are better than others. The best advice I can give after going through this stage for the second time is to shake it up. If things seem like they aren't going well, try a different parenting strategy to deal with the behavior that is driving you crazy. It might work, and it might not, but you will feel better that you are trying to make it work. And, it's better than sticking to one strict parenting philosophy about how to deal with a situation that may or may not work with your family or your kid.
You have received lots of good suggestions, just by trying out a couple, you are going to find, through trial and error, what works for you. And remember, it's ok not to feel like Mothering is easy. It's not. Some days or months (or years) will be better than others. But in the end, the person that said that you will remember the smiles most is right. You will remember the smiles and not the tantrums (although you will look back on these and laugh, I promise).
The Diamond Age is wonderful! It's my second-favorite after Snow Crash. And quite appropriate to read it on a Kindle (you'll see why if you already haven't figured it out...)
And what works for me with a recalcitrant toddler (not that I'm a perfect mom) is: thinking and saying "I love you too much to let you [insert inappropriate behavior here]. Reframing the discipline as love and thinking about long-term behaviors always helps me to be a calmer yet more resolute mom. Second-- having natural consequences for actions. No socks on before school = cold ride in the car, then socks when you get there. "Our car is leaving in five minutes. Would you like to have socks on before getting in the car or after we get to daycare?"
The parenting book that has saved our bacon many-a-time is Love and Logic for Early Childhood.
I teach high school and I use my Love and Logic on them all the time! :-)
Two choices works very well for small things; I'll also say "Do you want to put on your socks now, or in five minutes?" When we hit on non-negotiables -- like holding my hand in a parking lot -- I say "I'm sorry, but this isn't a time I can give you a choice, because it's dangerous to walk in the parking lot without holding someone's hand when you're small." The reasons really seem to help.
As to general whining, I will tell her "I can't understand that voice, could you use your normal voice, please?" It works 50% of the time, which is better than nothing.
I'm going through this at the same time as you, our daughter is 25 months and definitely into the terrible 2s. No matter what I say it's time for or offer her she repeats what I said with a "no" in front of it. Don't even get me started on the tantrums, I've taken to rating them like hurricanes, class 1-5 (I had to add class 6 this weekend). We only get above a class 3 about once a week but it just ruins the whole day.
What we've found so far are that picking our battles (if you are going to give in don't even start the battle), limited choices, steady routines, and countdowns or warnings (after breakfast we will put your shoes on and go, 5 minute countdown to bed time etc) are good. Too many choices and being away from her routine for too long are the worst.
Oh, the twos! They love to push the boundary, but they really want to make sure there is in fact a boundary there, so setting limits and giving small (inconsequential) choices are important. Being consistent in consequences of their not listening or obeying is important, too.
It also makes it easier when they get to be teenagers, which I think is the terrible twos with hormones. If you haven't set rules and consequences when they're little, they think you're crazy when you try to do it at 15.
It is a phase, though, which will pass. My daughter (36) had rough periods at 2, 4 and 8, then 15-16. She's a wonderful, fun adult now, so hang in there!
Whatever it is about two year olds, it comes around again when they are teenagers, except this time around they can walk out and slam the door (the walking out part is the good deal...)!