Personal: January 2006 Archives

New Year's Resolutions always makes me think. Do I or don't I? Every year I come down somewhere different on these. The reality is, while I always have a lot of good intentions, I'm not always very good at sticking to them. The relatively silent elliptical machine in our basement is testimony to that. Most of the time, I have to have a meaningful motivator to keep me on track.

So, perhaps, rather than make resolutions, I'll talk about a few things that I would like to accomplish -- or, at least think about more -- and why these things are important to me.

On the fibery side of things...

I would like to knit a pair of socks for each of the family members who was with me during my trip to the hospital. I've got a great stash of sock yarn and there's nothing quite like knowing that something I made is keeping someone special's feet warm. I already have a pair started for John -- which I am going to work on exclusively once I get my first Jaywalker sock finished -- and the most fabulous maize and blue Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock yarn for my dad, the U of M fan. That should be good to get me started. Then I'll work on figuring out what I am going to do for my mom, brother and sister-in-law. No real time table for this. It's not a race, just something that would make me happy.

I also want to spend more time with my spinning wheel. I have so much lovely fiber now and spinning always makes me feel so peaceful. I was kind of surprised when I discovered how meditative spinning can be. So spinning would be good for the stash and for my peace of mind.

I want to focus on knitting things out of my stash. I think I may be approaching the point where I have too much of a good thing. It all calls to me and I find it hard to stay focused on any one thing for long. I've been good and I've bought relatively little new yarn this year since Maryland. I plan to keep to my stash diet for a bit longer. My next two projects (aside from the abovementioned socks) will be the scarf for my aunt and the double knit scarf for John. And then I need to think about something bigger. I've definitely been getting the urge to do a little felting, lately.

On the personal side of things...

I want to improve my diet and be more careful about what I eat. John and I worked hard to lose a bunch of weight, but I've been getting a little sloppy with my eating habits. We're both beginning to get unhappy about the way some of our favorite clothes fit again! To get started, I want to drink more water and cut out most of the caffeine and alcohol so that the water can do it's work better. And I want to be more reserved about what I eat. My metabolism isn't getting any faster these days...

I want to read more. I used to read all the time and I felt in touch with the world. Lately, there haven't been many books in my life. It's almost like I can feel my vocabulary shrinking...

I'd like to find some volunteer work that I enjoy and that is meaningful for me. I think this means some homework on my part to understand the what's out there and what I might fit best with. There was a time in my life when I would have said that I wanted to do this to get to meet people, but lately I've had this feeling that it would be nice to do something for my community and give something back. I have a lot of blessings and maybe I need to share some.

Finally, I want to stop multitasking all the time. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with multitasking -- it's a survival skill, in fact, but I do it constantly. I just can't go to a movie and not work on a sock, for instance. I'm always trying to do more than one thing at a time. As a result, I think I miss things that I would have enjoyed more if I had given them all of my attention instead of trying to do too much at once.

Well, there you have it... the things that I've been thinking about as the New Year begins in earnest. It will be interesting to see next December how much progress I've made. I kind of figure if I get one out of each category, I'll be doing pretty well.

Writing, for me, is part entertainment, part therapy. For years I've kept a personal journal, one that I write in by hand, so that I can tell my own stories. Often, the journal goes unattended for many months or even years when things are more or less normal. But some events, both good and bad, get my brain moving enough that I need to put them into words in order to move on from them.

Maybe that's why I love blogging so much. It gets me to write almost every day. Unfortunately, a lot of things that strike me still can't go here. I don't feel comfortable talking too much about my job. Not because I am likely to get fired for talking about it, but because my company has been in a sensitive place for most of the time I have worked there, and I have a senior managment position. Companies are like families, sometimes, especially small companies, and some things just don't belong out beyond the sphere of the participants.

The same thing is true when it comes to my health or family related issues that are deeply personal. In this case, I have more latitude, clearly, because it's information about me specifically. But sometimes that makes it even harder. How much of myself can I put out there? After 3 years I still don't really have any rules for this. I just sort of go on "what feels right". I've been thinking a lot about how much I am going to say about what's been going on with me since Christmas Day and I've come to the conclusion that while I've told this story in my personal journal, I'm just not ready to tell it here. Perhaps, someday, I will be able to talk about it here. Suffice it to say, it's not all that uncommon a story for many women, and I am fine, physically (as is everyone in the rest of my family), even if there's still some emotional work to go through. No doubt, some of you will guess what happened from that statement and the rest of the post that follows. If so, please don't discuss it in my comments. I'm just not really ready for that, yet, although I'm always open to talking to anyone through email.

But I still feel the urge to put something here, in a public space. What happened to me got me using and thinking about the word "hero" a lot. I used to have a very romantic notion of heros. Knights on horses and that sort of thing. But as I grow older, I realize that heros are a much broader group of people -- there are many more heros in the world than there are horses and shining armor. I guess I still can't really put a Webster's Dictionary definition on what I think a hero is. But my recent experience provides me with some clear examples...

A hero is my mother, who was there for me when I needed her and helped me with things that no mother should ever have to. And who took charge of the situation and organized everything even when it wasn't easy.

A hero is my aunt, who called the ER to let them know we were coming and who stayed at my parents house to make sure that the furry creatures at my parents house were cared for.

A hero is my father, who drove me to the hospital, through the snow, and kept his calm and got us there safely even though his daughter was in crisis in the seat next to him.

A hero is the kind nurse at the Chelesea ER who held my hand and let me know that she and I had shared this experience.

A hero is the ER doctor who recognizes he can't take care of everything and makes sure that the ambulance that has just come in with another patient is comandeered so that I can get to a place that can make sure everything is taken care of correctly.

A hero is the paramedic who bent the rules to let John stay near me on the trip to St. Joes.

A hero is the doctor in the ER at St. Joes who stayed 3 hours past her shift to make sure that I got the care I needed and took the time to make sure that we always understood what she was doing and to give me what I would need to be comfortable once I got home. And who took a few moments to let me know she liked my handknit socks.

Heros are the hostpital technicians who drew my blood and put in my IV's and were always careful and fast -- and who didn't mind me asking for those tiny little butterfly needles.

Heros are the nurses that took care of me and always treated me with respect and dignity, even though some of what they had to do for me wouldn't have been considered very dignified by some.

Heros are my brother and sister-in-law, who travelled to both hospitals and waited for hours in waiting rooms when they could have gone home to my parents house and waited there. There is nothing like knowing that your whole family cares about you.

Heros are my friends -- online and otherwise -- who didn't back away when they heard bad news. Even if they didn't know exactly what to say.

Heros are all of you kind folks who left comments here wishing me well. Those comments mean more than you know.

Finally, my biggest hero is my husband, who never left my side, held my hand through almost everything and who constantly reminds me that my being okay is the most important thing and that there is always hope for the future. He wil always be my knight in shining armor, even if he doesn't have a horse.

Happy New Year, Everyone!